Great-Aunt June is coming to visit. You haven’t seen her for years. You remember her as someone who always wanted you to stand up straight, use good manners and remember proper etiquette. You have talked to your children about being on their best behaviour. You are anxious to impress Great-Aunt Jane with just how well you’ve done, now that you are an adult and a parent. The doorbell rings, you take a deep breath, and welcome Great-Aunt Jane. Even at age 94, she enters with all the elegance and poise of your early memories. You kiss her on the cheek, and then you move to introduce your 7 year old, 5 year old and 4 year old. Just as you start saying, “Aunt Jane, I’d like you to meet my children,” the silliness breaks loose. One child begins to giggle. The next snorts and suddenly there are funny faces and odd noises everywhere. You can just feel Great-Aunt Jane’s judgment. You are embarrassed. You are frustrated. You want to ship your children off to Kenya!
Why is it that children end up acting silly at the most inopportune times?
First of all, your kids are not choosing to act silly. This is not a thought out plan to embarrass you. This is a reaction of discomfort. Your kids are feeling pressure to be at their best. They don’t know Great-Aunt Jane, but they do know that she is making you feel anxious. They are picking up on your anxiety – and they don’t like their parent and provider to feel anxious. Your anxiety makes them nervous because they depend upon you. None of this is conscious thinking for them, but a reaction that comes naturally out of a stressful situation. In their discomfort, they act silly. Their anxiety bubbles over into silliness. When they welcome the formidable Great-Aunt Jane with giggles, snorts, funny faces and odd noises, we shouldn’t really be surprised. If you think back to your childhood, you might remember suppressing a snort or giggle yourself when Aunt Jane visited.
In such a situation, we tend to over react because we are embarrassed. And we tend to say things that we really don’t mean. “Go to your room. You’ve embarrassed me. How could you do such a thing when I asked you to behave? You’re grounded for five years.” None of these comments impress Aunt Jane, however they do damage our relationship with our children, because they are rooted in our embarrassment rather than our love for them and wanting the very best for them.
So what do you do to try to avoid the silliness, in the first place, and deal with it when it happens. (Notice, I said “when” it happens, not “if” it happens. Just expect silliness in highly charged situations and you won’t be caught off guard. It truly is a natural reaction, not a plot against you.)
a. Try to minimize your anxiety. Or do a good job of hiding it from your children. Your children are not in charge of helping you be less anxious. That is not their job.
b. Don’t ask your kids to be on their best behaviour. It puts the pressure on and almost guarantees that silliness will happen. Prepare the kids by telling them some things you enjoyed about visiting Great-Aunt Jane’s house and explaining what’s going to happen when she’s visiting, when you’d like them there and when they can go and play, and if there is going to be a meal or a snack.
c. Make your kids the priority, not Great-Aunt Jane. If she doesn’t already love you or think well of you, there’s not likely much you can do about it now. However, the loving and caring relationship you have with your children is essential to their growth into wonderful adults. You can offer them what Great-Aunt Jane may have never offered you – loving them and accepting them (even with their silliness) for who they are. Don’t say something to your kids that you’ll regret later. Don’t punish them (they’ll just hate both you and Great-Aunt Jane.) Understand where the silliness is coming from and give them a way out. “Thanks for being here to meet Aunt Jane. Why don’t you go build some Lego now and I’ll call you when we have the cookies out.”
d. Script and model what needs to happen but don’t force your kids to do something you know that they will feel uncomfortable doing at that moment. “Look, Great-Aunt Jane is here. Let’s go to the door. Tommy, you open the door. Charlie, you shake her hand. Ben*, you wave to her. And I’ll give her a kiss on the cheek and then together we’ll say, “Welcome to our home, Great-Aunt Jane!”
*If there is one of your children who doesn’t like hugs or kisses, don’t force them to give hugs and kisses. Set up the situation so that they can offer something else, such as a wave, a card, a high-five or a blown kiss. This way it keeps their dignity intact while at the same time respectfully greeting the person who has arrived.
Anticipate the situations where your children might feel uncomfortable and therefore begin to act silly. Note the times when you yourself feel like turning to silly comments or actions in a distressing situation. It truly is a natural reaction. Rather than reacting to the silliness, get in the lead. You’re the one in charge, even if Great-Aunt Jane is coming to visit. Plan, prepare, hide your own anxiety and set your children up to succeed in helping you welcome Great-Aunt Jane to your home. And if the giggles, funny faces and odd noises erupt anyways, take a deep breath, love your children for being who they are (silliness and all), and then turn to Great-Aunt Jane with a smile on your face and say, “Welcome to my home. These are my children of whom I am so proud!”*
*note the proper grammar! Great-Aunt Jane should like that.
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