Emotions are messy. It’s true! I remember as a child hating to cry because it took so much energy. But they are called e-motions because they are meant to move. They are meant to be expressed and they are meant to move us to a freer place in our lives where we can adapt and be creative in the situation with which we are dealing.
There are not good emotions and bad emotions. All emotions serve a purpose. However, if they aren’t expressed, if we push them down inside and try to hold back, they are just going to get bigger and bigger, and come out in messier and messier ways. So what do we do with these messy emotions?
First of all, we need to acknowledge them in ourselves and in our children. This might take practice. We might be so used to supressing our own emotions that we don’t recognize them when they surface, or until they are so huge we are overwhelmed. Name the emotion, especially for your children. “You’re afraid.” “You’re frustrated.” “You’re sad.” “You’re excited about that!” What a huge relief for the child to have the parent notice and name exactly what they are feeling!
The second part is a question: Can you accept and create space for huge feelings – your own and your child’s? Sometimes the little frustrations build up and burst forth in a volcano of foul words and actions. Think about it, life can be very frustrating for a 4 year old or a 14 year old. You don’t have to deal with inappropriate language or actions in the moment. There’ll be time for that later, if needed. Just name it. “Wow, there is a lot of frustration in you!” And you’ll probably get a diatribe of just how much frustration there is. Listen. Don’t shut it down. Create safe place. Get the child out of the way of people he/she could harm or items that could do her/him harm. Let the frustration flow until it gradually lessens. Trying to curb the frustration before it plays itself out is only going to bury it – which means it will erupt at another time. And you could do damage to your child’s relationship with you in the process. Make it safe; let it flow; don’t take it personally!
The third piece of this is to create room for emotions in your family. Model it by saying, “I’m feeling frustrated today” and let out a big sigh. (But never say, “I’m feeling frustrated with you” to your child.) Or “I’m delighting in the sunrise this morning.” or “That movie made me feel really sad.” And in each case, let your voice gently convey the emotion. As the adult, you must also convey that you can take care of your own emotions and that you can be there for your children in their emotions.
So now we get to the art bucket. This was an idea that came from one of my Neufeld Institute teachers, Darlene Denis-Fiske. She keeps a big bucket of art supplies in her kitchen. There is paper (for drawing or ripping up) and wax crayons and felts, play dough and sponges, squishy balls and bubble wrap waiting to be popped. This is not about having materials to create the next Mona Lisa, but rather about materials that allow you to put a great deal of energy into the expression without causing damage to yourself or the environment around you. Paint may not be a good idea. In frustration, it could end up everywhere. Playdough works. The self-drying modelling clay is even better – it is soft, doesn’t crumble, and even bounces. Sponges can be squished and safely thrown. As the emotion gets expressed, as it is allowed to move, the need for expression just might turn into something creative. But you can’t push for this. First the emotion needs to be acknowledged, accepted and allowed to move.
So the next time emotions get messy in your house, get out the bucket…the art bucket that is! And it’s not just for children – adults can grab the bucket when their emotions get overwhelming as well.
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