I’ve seen it happen right before my eyes. One day my child is fully capable of organizing their belongings, being on time for activities, carrying out household chores in a timely manner, remembering things they are asked to do and getting enough sleep at night. Then, it is as if a switch has been flipped, and my child can’t remember something I said a minute ago, totally forgets to practice piano, is walking out the door without grabbing lunch, has clothes all over the bedroom floor, and complains about being too tired to go to school. What happened?
Well, my child became a teenager. Now typically we take this change in behaviour to mean that the child is rebelling or claiming more independence or in some way making a choice for this new behaviour. In reality, it is NONE of these things. What is happening is that the teen age brain has begun a major house-cleaning! There comes a point in the teen years when the brain begins to change just as much as it did in the pre-school years. Three main things are happening in your teen’s brain: 1. Pruning: unused or unimportant neural pathways are being discarded, 2. Growth: new neural pathways that allow better decision making and judgement develop and overall “grey matter” increases and 3. Insulation: (or mylenation) of neural pathways makes them more stable and able to work faster. All this brain change, combined with surging hormones, means that teens have greater emotional reactions to situations and also that they don’t read other people’s emotions and facial cues very well at all. They really may not understand that you are mad or sad about something.
The teen brain is in a constant state of change. Add that to the growth and changes in their bodies, and that’s why you see them tripping over their feet, or bumping into things, or making strange decisions. That’s why sleep patterns change. They are working with equipment that is constantly under renovation. When they get up in the morning, they never know exactly what they’re going to be working with – though it isn’t that conscious of a process for the teen.
In addition, different parts of the brain develop and mature at different rates. One of the first parts to mature has to do with impulsivity, motivation and reward. But the part of the brain (pre-frontal cortex) that brings balance to that impulsivity and the ability to think through decisions and weigh pros and cons matures later. That’s why you get riskier behaviour and strange choices from your teen. This rapid brain change won’t settle until sometime between ages 18 to 30, depending upon each person. That’s why there is such a broad difference among teens in their maturity.
So what do we as parents/grandparents do? First of all, we need to know that being angry, yelling at the child, consequences and punishment won’t help. Getting angry and yelling won’t make those neural pathways develop any faster – in fact, your anger may entrench the wrong pathways. Think about it – if someone yells at you or is angry with you, does that make you want to do what they say? Do you want to be with them? NO! The same goes for your child.
Consequences and punishment also don’t make the brain grow any faster or maturity come quicker. That’s why you can ground your child or take away a favourite activity one week in response to something they’ve done, and then see them do the same thing the next week. Punishment and consequences only build a wall between you & your teen just at the time when they need you most. So what do we do?
We start the day with hugs, with connection time, with conversation that shows that we know and love them. We connect with them in love before we start giving any directions or schedules or chores. They need to know that our love for them is more important than anything else. This is something we naturally do when they are pre-schoolers. But teens need this loving connection time as much as ever. The first thing they should hear from us in the morning and the last thing at night is how much we love and care for them.
We understand that this is a time of rapid change and growth for our teen, physically, mentally, emotionally. We choose to see their behaviour, reactions and choices in terms of growth, rather than labelling them as bad, rebellious, devious or disobedient. If we see them in the turmoil of growth, rather than as disobedient, then we can come alongside and coach, encourage and support rather than reacting with yelling and punishment. We need to choose our actions in relation to our teens rather than re-act to their behaviour and emotions.
We use rituals, schedules and apps to create order in our teen’s life. Anger at our teen for forgetting won’t create any change in behaviour. Our teen’s brain can’t do what it isn’t mature enough to do. Instead, we create the system for success. We have set times to do things such as practice piano or do chores or complete homework. We work alongside them and find gentle ways to remind them. The Cozi app provides reminders to the whole family. Or ask, “What’s your plan?” and then, “I’ll help you follow through on that plan.”
When our teen blows it, misses doing something or makes a bad decision, we come alongside them and support them in finding a way through. Again, anger isn’t going to make a difference. We encourage and support them in finding a way to rectify things, make things right, apologize, re-do, finish up – whatever is needed. We are on their team, on their side!
We don’t dismiss bad behaviour and bad choices, but also we don’t have deal with them immediately. In the moment, when your teen is frustrated or refusing to do something, is the worst time to try to make your point. If you return their intense emotion with your own intense emotion, things just get worse. Acknowledge their feelings – “You’re really angry about this!” Take a deep breath, listen and let it go. Come back to it later when both of you are feeling calmer. You’ll probably find that by then they know and admit what they did wrong.
We get ahead of them and anticipate a situation that could lead to frustration or a bad decision and talk about plans, script responses, before it even happens.
We show them we know and love them: appear with favourite foods, arrange time to watch a favourite TV show, play a favourite game, or do their favorite activity, ask about something they are concerned about. We provide more love, care and time for them than they could ever ask for. In fact, they shouldn’t ever have to ask for our hugs, our love and our time.
We maintain our position as the most important people in our teen’s life. While they may connect and do things with friends, they need the connection with us more. They need family time and family activities. They need the time when we will listen to them. They need us to set clear expectations and boundaries for their safety. If you’ve lost this role in your teen’s life, it may take time to rebuild – but remember, they need YOU more than they need peers. There will always be time for peers. Make sure that there is time, lots of time with YOU.
It is actually strange that we put so much pressure on our youth to make life decisions during their teen years. They have a great capacity to learn knowledge, but may or may not have any capacity to make good decisions, especially decisions that will last them a life-time. They do lose their brains, but then they find them again, and become wonderful adults (who will always be our children.)
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