As a parent, it is my job to decide what choices I will allow my children to make. I never let them make a choice if I can’t live with whatever decision they make. I never want to end up in the position of begging, pleading, offering bribes or in any other way trying to get them to change their minds because they made a choice that I didn’t want them to make. Here’s what I mean:
Scenario #1: Do you want to wear your blue bib or your red bib for supper? I can live with either choice. You can choose any clothes you want to wear to church as long as they are clean and have no holes in them. And then I let go and don’t comment unless it is dirty (did you see that mustard on the shirt?) or has holes (guess it’s time for mending or new jeans).
Scenario #2: Do you want to go to Grandma and Grandpa’s for dinner this Sunday? Unless I am prepared to live with my child saying, “No, I don’t want to go,” then I won’t ask this question. If I ask it and get a “No,” then I have to accept that “No.” I will not plead, cajole or try to convince them that it is actually a good idea. I will not say, “Grampa will be so sad if you don’t come.” or “Gramma’s making your favourite food?” I will not put myself in the position of trying to get my children to make a different choice than they have made – I’ve given them a choice.
So I think carefully before I give my kids a choice. If I want them to be at the family dinner at the grandparent’s house, I don’t give a choice. We are just going. If I want them to come to church, then we are going to church as a family. I will not give my children a choice about something unless I am prepared to live with, and support, whatever choice they make. Why is that?
Children feel more secure and less stressed if they know that parents are in charge. They resist but, deep down, kids know that the natural order should be that the parent is in charge and that kids are taken care of by the parents. If children are put in charge of making too many decisions, decisions that are not age appropriate or decisions that they can’t handle, then life gets scary for them. They act & talk tough & independent while feeling vulnerable inside and outwardly showing signs of anxiety.
Parents (guardians, grandparents) are meant to be in charge of a child’s life, keeping them safe and secure, protecting them from the big, scary world, judging what they can handle and what they can’t handle. Too often we are encouraged to give over to our children decisions that they are not old enough or mature enough to make. Making more decisions sooner in life does not help a child mature – in fact, it might have the opposite effect. Yes, children need to learn to make decisions as part of getting ready for adulthood, but they need to be appropriate for the age and maturity of the child. The decisions a child makes also need to be ones that their adult has decided that they can make and the adult then must live with the child’s choice. A child should not have to change their decision to appease the parent – that doesn’t help them learn about decision-making or grow in maturity.
What if there is resistance – weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth? I have experienced that. I’ve said, “It is time to go to Cubs!” and heard the “I want to stay home, please, Mommy.” “I don’t want to go.” “You can’t make me.” This happens for many reasons. Transitions from one activity to another can be hard for kids, especially when they are enjoying what they’re doing. OR the child might be especially tired or hungry or just wanting to be close to the parents. OR they can’t see the bigger picture or value to something that is challenging for them right now. OR they might be resisting for other reasons. But, they don’t get to make the choice just because they are resisting.
Some things I remember in this situation:
We are not there to please our children & keep them happy all the time. Sometimes we will be the one who makes our child unhappy. As a parent, I have a bigger picture in mind. I see what an activity provides that is beyond the present moment of resistance & discomfort. They may not want to quit the video games to go to bed, but I know that sleep is more important than the game. The school project might be difficult but they don’t get to decide not to do it.
If I suspect that there might be resistance, then I make sure that I have connected with the child before I give the directions about what we are doing and where we are going. I give the child information ahead of time, make plans, create rituals, routines and schedules so that there are few surprises…but, if I still get resistance, I am not letting the child decide.
If there is resistance, I don’t react with my own begging, pleading, weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth. A child’s reaction can easily send us into our own reaction, but as parents we need to be in the lead and hold the bigger picture in mind.
I can’t be wishy-washy, giving into the resistance this time and refusing next time. I’m in the lead and consistent in letting my children know what decisions they can make and when.
I don’t need to give reasons or explain. My reasons may be beyond what a child cn understand and quite likely beyond what they will accept as valid reasons. They don’t get to decide if my reasons (or our family reasons) are valid. If they are giving me the reasons they think I should make a different decision, I’ll say, “I’ll take the under advisement.” or “I hear your concerns, your way of thinking about this.” But I don’t give up the choice to them.
If I get weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth, I don’t argue. I don't try to convince. I breathe,listen, & create space for the big emotions. My child may storm away. I don’t need to make my point at that moment. It’s good to give information that might be resisted ahead of time, not at the last minute.
If I give my child a decision to make and then realize that it is stressing them, I take the decision back and/or give them just a part of the decision. I step in to support. I walk through the decision, encouraging and helping them see how to think it through.
If my child is taking on a decision that is not theirs to make, I take it back. “That’s not yours to worry about; that’s a job for Dad and me.”
Older kids do get to make more decisions, but there are still some decisions I won’t let them make because I am the parent and it’s my job to make decisions about their well-being. If you’ve lost the lead, there are ways to get back in the lead with your children. It is worth it, because children can relax when they know that the parents are in charge of creating a safe, secure life for them.
I won’t allow my children to make a decision unless I’m willing to live with their choice. I won’t allow them to make a decision that they aren’t ready to handle. Parents are meant to be in the lead, to be caring alphas for their children. We are the ones who have our child’s best interests at heart – if we don’t, who will? It sure won’t be their peers, who only have their own best interests at heart.
We need to anticipate our children’s needs, know what they love and enjoy, and provide lots of hugs, listening and connection time. We have what our child needs – all the love, all the wisdom, all the compassion that will help them become what God has created them to be. We may feel inadequate to the task, but, in our children’s eyes, we have more than enough to offer them. We just need to stay in charge as the caring alpha in their lives. That’s means that I will never put myself in the position of having to plead with or bribe my child to make a different decision. I’m in charge of decisions.
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