“She did it on purpose,” the five year old declares to me. “She hit me on purpose! Give her a time-out!” The demand for justice is loud and clear. And indeed, this five-year old has been wronged, but maybe not on purpose, even though it seems that way to him.
To do something “on purpose” takes mature thinking, and truthfully, most hurtful things, especially by those under 10, are not done “on purpose” but rather because of lack of maturity. The little girl hits the little boy out of frustration, her feelings pouring out in the punch, without a moment’s pause to consider the hurt to the other person or the consequences to herself.
Now this 5 year old boy is demanding justice. And he wants me – the adult leader of the group – to deal out that justice. He wants me to punish, to reprimand, to scold – to do whatever it takes to restore his sense of fairness in the world. He knows that he didn’t deserve that punch.
However, the little girl might also be just as clear that that punch was justice. “He deserved it! He said that dogs are dumb. But I love dogs. I love MY dog and he shouldn’t say that.”
The worst thing I could do at this moment is bring these two children together to sort it out. They simply don’t have the capacity at this age, or in this state of emotion, to sort it out. That requires a maturity that can’t be expected of them. So what do I do?
I listen to the little boy. I agree that it wasn’t fair that he got punched – it wasn’t! I nod as he speaks of the injustice and how angry he is. I acknowledge his feelings and with my nods and smiles validate those feelings. I do NOT, however, promise to punish, reprimand or scold the little girl. I may indicate that I’ll speak with her, but when I’m with the little boy, it is all about acknowledging his feelings and his sense of injustice. I may say, “I wonder why she was so frustrated….” but I leave it at that and don’t push for an answer. If I’ve listened well and acknowledged his feelings, the boy can rest in the knowledge that I’m in charge. I’ll know I’ve done my job well if he runs off to play and thinks no more about the situation. Too often we as adults keep a situation going when the kids are ready to go back to play.
I will talk to the girl, but separately and probably a bit later, when the intensity of her feelings have settled. Contrary to popular wisdom, you don’t have to deal with a situation immediately. In fact, it is better to wait and deal with it later, when the heat of the moment has passed and there is space for real reflection.
With the little girl, my focus is acknowledging her feelings and her sense of unfairness. “Wow, you were really frustrated when you punched him. There were big feelings in you that came out in that punch!” And I’ll probably hear all about the unfairness of calling dogs dumb. But if I’ve waited and given her space, the intensity of her frustration won’t be there. Once I’ve clearly received her feelings of frustration and unfairness, I might say, “I’ve noticed that you and that boy often have fun playing together. Isn’t it interesting how we can want to hit someone and then later want to play together?” If I get a response of “NO, I don’t ever want to play with him again,” I smile and let that thought go. If I get a response of “Yes, sometimes I want to hit him and sometimes I want to play soccer with him,” then I know that the first seeds of mature thinking are there. I do chat with the girl about what we can do when we’re frustrated instead of hitting someone, since there are always going to be people who are frustrating in the world. The little girl will likely promise never to hit anybody again, and even though I know that that might not be the case, I accept her good intentions. Good intentions lead to good action – it just takes time.
Mature thought is not something you can force – all you can do is create the space and context in which maturity of thought and choice grow.
Maturity is that pause before you choose to throw the punch. Viktor Frankl, philosopher, psychiatrist, neurologist and Holocaust survivor, describes it this way, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
In that space is maturity. If we are functioning on action-reaction, there is no space for mature thought. And it is not just children who don’t have the space for mature thought. All of us, in certain situations, lose the capacity for mature thought. While we might normally be able to be purposeful in our decisions, in the midst of trauma, loss, grief, and stress, we go on auto-pilot. Another person’s action (or word or choice) leads to a reaction from us. Boom! No space, no purpose! Just boom!
As adults, when we find ourselves at that point, when we have lost our capacity for allowing a space between the action and our reaction, then we need to take responsibility and find the support, help and care we need to be able to recover our capacity for creating the space in which we can choose our response.
When it comes to children, we as adults need to be the ones responsible for creating safety of space and relationships. While the little boy is so certain that “she did that on purpose,” we as adults know that a young child doesn’t have the capacity to do it on purpose. The space isn’t there in their thought process to make a purposeful choice. There isn’t that moment between frustration and punch which allows them to say, “I’m really frustrated with him, but I know I shouldn’t hit him.”
Gradually the space comes, when we as adults create the caring, safe and respectful contexts in which our children can grow and mature. We are the ones who can understand that both of these children feel unfairness and frustration. We are the ones who can anticipate the needs of our children and help them learn what to do with the frustrations of life.
I’m not going to explain all of this to the little boy. He’d never accept what I know – that she didn’t do it on purpose! But as an adult, I can be very purposeful in helping create the context in which my children can mature into all they are meant to be. I just need to make sure that I keep the space in my thinking – the pause that allows me to retain my power to choose my response.
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