I’m so glad that we have a dog in our house, an American Cocker Spaniel, named Marco. He is a crazy dog, who falls off backwards from the couch and doesn’t even seem to mind. I can’t begin to count the number of times that we end up just sitting there and laughing together at the dog’s antics. Marco brings out the playfulness in us, and I am grateful.
We all need to play. Sometimes we forget that as adults, but play is a gift of God, a gift built into our systems to bring us rest and restoration. Deep in the most protected part of the brain are the neurons that originate breath, tears and play. Did you get that? Our brains are set up so that, even if other parts are damaged, breath, tears and play are protected. Amazing!
Breath – well, it is easy to understand why that would be protected. Rather essential, it is! Tears – may not be something we have valued as we should. We need our tears. We need to cry when something isn’t working because tears bring adaptation. And our survival depends upon not only our breath but also upon our ability to adapt to new and changing situations. Play – play is also essential to our well-being. It is not something frivolous or something only for children. It is not empty time or a luxury. Play is essential, at any age, to give us a safe place to explore our curiosity, our imagination and our emotions. In play as in sleep, without fully knowing it, we are processing what we are learning and experiencing in order to make sense of it. Play is rest for us, from the work of life.
So, let’s define Play. Play is a “spontaneous activity that cannot be commanded or taught.”* Play is not for real, it is not work, it is not outcome based, and it is expressive and exploratory. Most importantly, play must happen in a safe space, that is safe physically and emotionally. Play has a freedom about it in which you can explore and experience new things. It is engaging and draws you in to the activity.
While playing with our dog causes welcome laughter, play is not always fun or funny. Sometimes when you watch children playing, they are exploring anger, frustration, and fear. Hide and Seek is a game that is all about playing with fear and alarm. Yet, play is always safe, physically and emotionally. It is this safety that gives the freedom needed to explore and engage.
As couples, in a committed relationship, we need to play together. If we have children, the play might be a family activity. Board games or a pick-up soccer game can be play, as long as the focus is not on winning or developing specific skills. Some light hearted competition can be part of it – but it must be in fun, and released as soon as the game is over.
Play can come in the form of playing with language and playing with emotions -- playfulness. You might stomp off with a big pouty lower lip, pretending to be angry – at something you aren’t angry about at all. You might have inside jokes as a couple or subtle signals, such as raised eyebrows, that you use in a group of people to signal that you both found something funny. Play can come in the form of humour. The key thing is that you are both together in the humour or playfulness. It is not something that one person uses against the other. It is not hurtful and it does not put the other person down. This playful humour isn’t a back-handed way to make a point. It is really just for fun.
Play might be a spontaneous snowball fight or going out for ice-cream sundaes and trying new toppings or going out to a movie that you both think you will hate. Play can be sexual in nature, flirting and making out. Play can be anything that works for you as a couple, as long as it is enjoyable for both of you, safe (emotionally and physically) for both of you, and engaging for both of you.
Laughing together and playing together can bring us, as a couple, to a point where we can sort out some things are more difficult to sort out in our relationship. It allows us to experiment and try new things together, things that might help us in our relationship.
Most importantly, play brings release and rest from the work of life. We are all working too hard in this culture. We are all too busy. The technology, that was supposed to give us more time to play, has instead taken over our lives, increasing the 24/7 demands. And so, more than ever, we need to play!!!! For some of us, individually and as couples, it may take some experimenting to figure out just what play works for us.
So go for it! Play is healing. Play is restorative. Play is fun!
Please find your play as a couple, and make it part of your life together. If your relationship is difficult right now, playing together might seem like the last thing you can do, but it is probably the first thing you need to do as a couple. Start small. Do something together that you’ve enjoyed before, perhaps when you were dating. Get out of the work mode around your relationship and get into the play mode!!!
Play is one of the gifts that God has given to us, protected deep in our brain – so welcome it and engage it. It is there for a reason! So PLAY!
Home
(403) 652-3168