Romance and attraction brings us into the marriage. But romance doesn’t last and it is not a full-time state for the marriage relationship forever and ever. So, what is marriage (meaning any committed partnership between any two people) – what is the purpose of marriage?
We are meant to be in relationship with other human beings. In the unfolding of nature, God has provided relationship as a gift where we can grow, mature and become all that we are meant to be in this world. Children grow and mature within the care of loving adults. And two adults who have committed to each other grow and mature within their relationship.
The world is an overwhelming and wounding place. Daily interactions can leave bruises. News from around the world brings sadness and frustration. We need a safe place where we can recover from these wounds – and that is one of the purposes of marriage.
We also bring with us into the relationship the wounds of our past. Perhaps we were bullied at school, abused at home or in a sports club, or faced deep griefs early in life. It is not only these big wounds we might bring into the relationship. For some, it may be many small wounds, foibles or habits that get in the way of our living life fully and freely. These too we bring into the relationship.
Marriage is meant to be a place where we can work together at the healing of these wounds, so that we can both become fully who God intends us to be and so that our caring can be a blessing to children, if we have them, and to the world. In order for this to happen, we need
Rest, Room, and Relationship*
We’ll look at these in the reverse order.
We fall in love with our partner and form a relationship. It is a wondrous and joyful happening. But then we begin to experience life together, the day to day challenges and demands as well as bigger challenges that may happen along. It can wear us down. Our relationship can end up the last on the list of priorities. Sometimes that just has to be for a while, but it does not serve us if it is the constant state of the relationship. Our relationship is the gift in all that life throws our way, and so we need to find time, even if it is for a few moments each day, to collect each other and connect with each other. We must never take the relationship for granted, therefore we need to create rest and room for the relationship.
Rest is essential to any relationship and I mean this in two ways. First of all, we need to slow down and take time for each other, family time, quiet time, being time. We live in such a fast pace culture, that moves faster and faster with each technological advance. That technology has brought so much that is good to us, but it also exhausts us. Too many e-mails, too much information, too much news, too many demands coming via text and e-mail. We need to rest together as a couple, and as a family, if we have children. Secondly, I am referring to rest as a place of safety. We need to be able to rest from our fears and our alarm. We need to feel safe – and that is what our home and the relationships we share in that home are meant to do. The home should not add to the wounding – if that is happening, seek support and help.
Room means to have spaciousness in the relationship. First of all, we need spaciousness to listen to each other and to learn what is going on for our partner. We need the room created by patience that comes alongside the frustration we feel, so that we can find a good time of connection and closeness in which to sort out challenges and problems between us. Secondly, we need to make room for our partner’s emotions and room for them to be themselves. Of course, this needs to be mutual – where each is making room for the other.
Marriage is a dance (whether or not you actually dance together). What I mean is that you learn as a couple to move together, you learn the steps of how to make decisions together, to care for a household, and to care for children and/or extended family. In marriage, sometimes one is in the lead and sometimes the other. Sometimes one partner is providing more of the rest and room for the relationship and sometimes the other. We each take turns providing for the other person, physically, emotionally and spiritually. We each offer to the other a generous invitation to exist in our presence and unconditional love and care.
When we provide rest and room in the relationship we share, then we each can feel safe enough to feel sad enough about the wounds we have experienced in life. And when we can feel sad enough and have our tears about what hasn’t worked and what isn’t working, we can find the strength we need to heal and to get up and try again. Feeling safe enough to feel sad enough leads us to finding strength in the relationship and in ourselves – that is resilience*.
It is easy to see that, when we are dealing with wounds and challenges, the path of marriage will not always be smooth. It will not always be sweetness and happiness. Many tears will be shared. Frustration will be worked through. Healing can happen and hope can be found. I have seen couples work through very challenging situations, hurt they have caused each other, abuse and addiction, to create a better relationship. It takes both being engaged in the process. The road may be rough but it is an amazing blessing when you can travel it together, and find healing and resilience in the relationship you create.
What is marriage? Marriage is a sacred ground on which we can find healing and hope within the rest and room of the relationship. Within the marriage relationship, we can be about the mending and tending of our lives, supporting one another through the joys and the sorrows. Ultimately, the mending and tending within our married life is meant to flow out so that we are offering mending and tending to others and to the earth itself.
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