Note: The first seven parts of this series are found earlier in the blog posts.
In this final blog on marriage (committed relationships of any kind), I want to explore being a soulmate and surviving this pandemic, all in this one piece to end the series on “The Seasons of Marriage.” First, soulmate….
What exactly is a soulmate? Is my spouse/partner truly my soulmate? Can my soulmate spouse suddenly no longer be a soulmate?
A soulmate seems to be considered someone who just “gets you.” They understand you, anticipate your needs, respect who you are and love you unconditionally. You feel that you can be yourself with them and trust their wisdom. And this is mutual – you do the same for them.
It is a wonderful thing to have a soulmate but a soulmate doesn’t have to be your spouse particularly and you don’t have to have only one soulmate. Somewhere along the line, soulmate got mixed up with romantic love and with being the ideal for marriage. And the idea was born that you have one soulmate for which you are searching. It is a difficult thing to place all the hopes and dreams of “soulmate” on any one person.
Truthfully, we need a village of “soulmates”, an extended group of family and friends who can offer us support, care and unconditional love. It is really hard for any one person to offer everything we might need in terms of emotional support. They can have a bad day or be dealing with their own challenges. Or we can be dealing with challenges and are not able to be there to support them, or we don’t notice the support they are offering!
However, we can choose to be a soulmate to our spouse, to a friend or to a family member. The ‘hollywood’ vision of soulmate places the emphasis on someone with whom you just suddenly feel a connection – without any work or time to get to know each other. That makes finding a “soulmate” such a random thing, and some wonder if they will ever find one.
I say again, we can choose to be a soulmate. We can choose to be each other’s soulmates within a marriage or friendship. We don’t have to depend upon the feeling of “soulmate” happening to us. We can make decisions to develop a relationship in which we can seek to understand and care for the other person’s needs, respecting them for who they are and loving them unconditionally. Becoming a soulmate is a journey toward being able to be more and more yourself with each other and trusting each other’s wisdom. It doesn’t have to be an instantaneous thing. It does need to be a mutual commitment to developing this depth of relationship.
Traditionally, marriages were formed for many reasons, for having children, for securing land within a family, for financial stability, and for passing on one’s faith. There was not an emphasis on needing to be in love or on having found one’s soul mate. That was considered a bonus, if it happened. It was much more about creating a stable family unit for survival. Perhaps, the pendulum has swung too far the other way in putting such emphasis on romance and discovering one’s soulmate.
So rather than asking, “Are we soulmates?”, the question should be, “Are we committed to becoming soul mates?” And it is never too late to start. Of course, it is helpful to start with some common goals and common interests, and a spark that says, “Yes, we can work together.” We all need to be loved, respected and valued for who we are. That makes being soulmates a good goal for a marriage, but not necessarily something that fully exists at the beginning of the relationship.
Now, for surviving the current physical isolation, but also other challenges that life brings our way. And this is connected to being soulmates. If you have committed in a relationship to mutually seeking to understand and care for the other person’s needs, respecting each other, and loving unconditionally, then you have the foundation from which to journey through life’s challenges. And it is never too late to start – you can choose now, even in the midst of this pandemic and the sheltering at home requirements – to offer these gifts to each other.
Of course, none of us are at our best right now. Impatience, frustration and alarm, along with having to figure out how to do so many things in new ways, and always being cautious – this means that we are not at our best right now. It also means that our marriages may not be at their best right now. That doesn’t mean that the marriage can’t survive. It just means that we have to weather the storm, digging deep to find extra patience, extra forgiveness, and extra tender care for each other.
At this point, I have to note, as I’ve noted before: if there is abuse and, especially in this situation, escalating abuse, including physical, verbal, emotional, sexual or spiritual violence of one partner toward the other and/or to the children, that it no more acceptable now than it is in normal times. Yelling, hitting, and violent, threatening behaviour of any sort isn’t acceptable, even if there are apologies after. Get outside support – it is available even now.
Our marriages/partnerships may be challenged during this time, but it is also a time when we can grow together in new ways. As we face this challenge together, as we choose to be a team to engage the tasks that need to be done, and as we also care for children or grandparents or neighbours, we can choose to deepen our respect for each other. We can care for and support one another so that we can each find the resilience needed to weather this season.
We are all in this together, and while we might not be at our best, we can make choices about how we will weather this season as a couple. It will be a defining moment for us as individuals, as couples, and as a society, just as the world wars and the Dirty Thirties were defining moments for previous generations. Our individual choices, choices as a couple, and the choices made by our provinces and country will say something about who we are. Coming out of this pandemic (or any other challenging time), what is it that we want to be known for, individually, as a couple or as a country?
So whether or not you consider yourselves soulmates, you and your spouse/partner can make this a defining time as a couple. Be on the same team. Understand that neither of you are functioning at your best. Support each other. Offer tender and generous care to one another. Admit the moments when you’ve said something you wished you hadn’t. Let this become a time you look back on and say, “We did this together, and we are a better couple for it!”
Note: see the previous seven blogs on The Seasons of Marriage for ideas about strengthening your relationship that would be key during this time.
If you are thinking that maybe your marriage won’t survive this, here are a few thoughts to consider: (I can’t speak to your particular situation, since I don’t know it.)
-if you have children, you and your partner will always be connected as the parents of those children, even if you divorce. If you and the children are not safe, then you need to be out of the situation. However, if there is a way to resolve your differences, address addictions and change patterns of behaviour, then that is best for the kids. They have no choice in the matter. They are depending upon the two adults in their lives to act like adults and to lovingly care for them.
-Children are not something to be fought over, like possessions. When you chose to have children, you made a commitment to have their best interests at heart.
-Children will almost always want connection with both parents. Divorce doesn’t change this. If you divorce, you will most likely have to find ways to co-parent. Think about how difficult it is for the kids to not have the stability of one home, and to be constantly switching homes. But sometimes, the only safe situation for everyone is to divorce.
-there is help for you and support in sorting out your relationship. If you are both willing, clergy, counsellors, and therapists can help you work through what is happening. (virtually right now.) You don’t have to do this alone. Of course, the best scenario is that the two of you are mutually committed to finding a way of healing and hope. If you have kids, you do this for your children, because they will be deeply affected by your arguments, your struggles and, if you divorce, by your divorce.
I don’t believe divorce is wrong. I don’t believe that the Bible is against divorce. I do invite you to consider carefully what will create the safest and most caring situation for your children so that they can grow and flourish, and so that you, as their parent(s), can be loving, caring adults in their lives.
Home
(403) 652-3168