Then there are the winters in our relationships, in our marriages. These are the times when we aren’t sure that we love the other person or even like them so much. There are times when we aren’t sure what our relationship is all about. Sometimes an incident has happened that has pulled us apart. Sometimes outside stress has been too much and we feel as if we are unable to hold the relationship together. These are difficult times, discerning times. But they don’t mean that the marriage is over. We won’t always feel “in love” with our partner. There are times when they will be downright annoying and irritating. But then, at times, so are we.
During the winters of our marriage, we may need support from outside. We can turn to a friend or extended family member, someone who will really listen, not take sides or give advice, but just let us express ourselves surrounded by safety and compassion. We can talk to God, and pour out our heart, and pay attention for the answers that will quietly come. We can engage in counselling either individually or as a couple. We can commit to doing things together and making time for real conversation, when we both are not tired and at the end of our ropes.
Marriages can weather the winters and can become stronger for having found a way through the challenge. Both partners must be part of finding the way through, though each one takes different roles in making this happen.
In marriage, through all of its seasons, we need a village around us – a village of people who truly care for us and are there for us through whatever life brings. Marriage is not something that can be done alone by the couple. We need a community around us. No two people can meet all of each other’s needs. A community can be found in a church family, in our extended family, or in a group of friends who value and support the relationship we have.
Faith also is essential in our marriage, our relationship. A belief in a power greater than ourselves, a loving energy that holds the whole universe together, reminds us that we are not alone whatever we are facing as a couple or whatever we are facing within the marriage. We can lean into God and find hope and rest, when we don’t have much to offer each other. A belief in God, however we name or understand the divine, also calls us to focus beyond ourselves, to discover that what we offer to our children, our community and our world is important to shaping who we are as individuals and as a couple.
One caution: if there is abuse, physical, verbal, emotional, or spiritual violence of one partner toward the other, this isn’t just another season of marriage. Violence, yelling, hitting and threatening of any sort isn’t an acceptable part of a relationship, even if there are apologies after. This must be dealt with – get outside support.
So what is marriage? It is a relationship between two people, in which there is a commitment to sharing life together, the joys and sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies. It is a relationship in which each of the partners offers to the other care, compassion, respect, support, an unconditional invitation to exist in their presence, and an honouring of the individuality of the other person. It may begin with romance and being “in love.” Yet, it becomes something more, something deeper, as the couple moves through the seasons, over and over again. Ultimately, it is a love that is about gratitude and promise, a love that grows deeper through the years, a love that values each other and what together you can offer to your family and to the world. This love is not an emotion, but a choice to work through the challenging times together in order to find something that is much better than romance – a partner who shares so many memories and stories, a partner who knows and cherishes you as you are. This takes time, commitment and work, but ultimately it is worth more than silver and gold, stocks and bonds, or millions and billions in e-transfers.
In scripture we hear, “For everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven.” Ecclesiastes 3:1 So it is with marriage – it too has seasons. Don’t be afraid if your marriage hits a tough season, a challenging season. There is a way through. Spring will come!
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