First of all, when answering a child’s question, remember:
-Children usually want simpler answers than we give them.
-Children may not be asking the question we think they are asking.
-Children love answering their own questions.
-There is no bad question.
-It is okay not to have an answer right away..
-It is also okay to say that some questions just don’t have answers, at least not right now.
ESPECIALLY – remember that children love answering their own questions.
However, this is one of those questions that I would not let my child answer first!
I would immediately, lovingly, say, “I will always be your mommy! I will always be with you!” My mentor, Dr. Gordon Neufeld, reminds us that this is the only answer to this question, especially when children are small. The greatest human angst (problem) is that of separation. We fear being separated from those we love, from those who care for us. Death is the ultimate separation.
Somewhere along the way, a child figures out about death. It may be through the death of a pet or the death of a friend’s grandparent. We desperately hope that our children won’t experience the death of a friend or a sibling or parent. But somewhere along the way, our children do put together that death happens and that there is a permanency to the separation caused by death. I remember when I was 5 years old putting this together and understanding quite well that Grampa had died and that meant he would not be coming back home.
Once children figure this out, it is scary. Suddenly their world has changed. They can now imagine a world in which they are permanently separated from the ones they most love and rely upon. Who will care for them? Who will love them? Who will give them hugs? Who will they run to when they have scraped a knee or have a cut on their finger? Who will help them not feel afraid?
Our job as parents (and grandparents) is to bring loving reassurance in the midst of the fear that has captured our children. “I will always be your mommy, your daddy.”
Are we lying to them? NO! We’re just not telling them the whole picture and that’s okay. The truth is that we will be their parent, whether we are living or whether we have died. That role will never stop. When they are young, they don’t need all the facts that we will someday die, but we hope it will be after we have been with them a long, long, long while. All they need is the reassurance that we never plan on stopping being a parent to them – that we will never stop loving and caring for them.
And I truly believe that that goes on beyond this life! I have a great sense of my grandparents, great aunts & uncles, aunts and uncles, and my dad – all who have moved to the next life. I have a great sense that they are still with me – my communion of saints, surrounding, encouraging, loving, comforting me. They indeed are still my family.
Of course, for a child, a physical presence is much better. So, the only response to this question is “I will always be your mommy/daddy!” followed by lots of hugs and snuggles and stories.
I noticed, as my own children, how their world kept expanding. It was clear that there were times when suddenly they were aware of a bigger world – along with bigger fears and challenges. My husband and I would notice that our confident child had suddenly become more fearful and hesitant, because they were seeing the world in a new way, and were aware of more of the dangers and possibilities (good and bad) out there. They were overwhelmed by their new awareness. So, we would spend more time together, talking, hugging, loving, and reassuring them that they weren’t alone in facing the world, that we would always be there for them no matter what happened. We weren’t going to add to their fears by giving them more details and information than necessary.
Simple answers, hugs, love – that is what is needed for our children. The ultimate answer to our fear of separation is the phrase we say often in church, “God is with us; we are not alone.” To understand God’s presence, children need to be reassured first and foremost that we are present with them.
There will be future times when they realize that “I will always be your mommy/daddy” doesn’t mean that you aren’t going to die at some point. That will be the time for expanding conversations, always with lots of love and hugs. The answer to the fear of separation is lots of connection. Do together whatever you love doing together.
I remember a parent telling me about the moment when she told her young son that gramma had died. The son immediately said, “Mommy, can we play a game?” and pulled out his favourite board game. At first, she thought he hadn’t understood. Then she realized that playing games together was the way that she and he had always connected. When the son asked, “Mommy, can we play a game?” it was his way of reassuring himself that, in the face of gramma’s death, he still could count on his connection with his mother.
We’d rather our children didn’t have to think about death. But death is part of human living. They will encounter death as they interact with others. We can’t protect them from that. The protection we offer as parents is a deep loving connection with our children. They need us – and we give them us! Peers, activities, sports, clubs – all those are extras. They are not essential to a child’s growing up. But WE their parents are essential. Family dinner time. Movie nights. Games nights. Walks together. Biking together. Whatever we can do together, with time to talk, to listen, to love – that is the ultimate answer to our child’s fearful question: “Mommy/daddy, will you die?”
Two great books to read with younger children, that help talk about the connection we have:
“The Invisible String” by Patrice Karst
“The Kissing Hand” by Audrey Penn
Next week: Parents needing to talk about a serious illness with young children.
Home
(403) 652-3168