It is not your child’s fault! It is not your partner’s fault! Nor the fault of the cashier at the grocery story or the clerk at the bank. This pandemic, and all of the changes and challenges it has created, is not the fault of your child or partner or anyone else.
I say this because when our frustration and alarm are overflowing, as they can be these days, it is easy for those emotions to be directed in the wrong way at the wrong person. We can end up hurting those we love and those who are helping us. That is not a good thing!
Yes, we are frustrated over the things we cannot change, at being physically separated and at working from home or having been laid off of work.
Yes, we are alarmed at the scariness of the situation, all the stats and reports, and what might happen in days to come.
We need to recognize the moments when our alarm and/or frustration are running high, and we need to manage those moments in a way that is healthy for us and for others.
We can’t blame our children or make them responsible for how we feel. It doesn’t matter if they are being noisier than usual. They too are affected by being cooped up at home and away from their friends and regular routines. Yes, they may be getting into fights with siblings. Yes, they may be wanting more of your attention, just as you are trying to get work done or supper made. BUT they are still not responsible for your frustration and alarm!
We can’t blame our spouse/partner (or the cashier or clerk). They too are affected by all of this. None of us are functioning at our best. It is not going to help and it is not appropriate to take out your frustration and alarm on another person. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, that they could possibly do that deserves being lambasted with our anger.
Yelling at another person, adult or child, is the same as assaulting them. The only good reason to yell is to get someone’s attention to prevent an accident or injury. We human beings have energy fields around us. When you yell at someone in anger, the energy of your voice is slamming into their energy field… and they will feel it. It will be like a bruise on their energy field until it heals. It is also a bruise in your relationship with them. No one, child or adult, deserves to be yelled at in anger.
There are times when we need to say, “No,” to our children. There are times when we need to explain that they have done something wrong. But all of this can be done in love!!
We need also to remember that children (and our partner/spouse) are not responsible for our feelings, even in non-pandemic situations. Our feelings are created out of our brain’s responses to a variety of input – and our children and spouse can’t control all of those inputs. They may be part of one piece of input, one of the contributing factors – but not the whole reason why we are experiencing the emotion we are.
Yesterday, our children may have been making the same noise and having the same arguments and we were totally fine with that. No frustration was aroused. Today, that same noise and those same arguments are happening – and suddenly our frustration is on overload. We may or may not be able to name why that it so.
But what we can do is be the adult and understand that our emotions are OURS! We have no right to dump our emotional load on our children or spouse. We are responsible for figuring out the best way to let the steam off and bring down the pressure on the frustration and alarm we are feeling.
The worst approach is using alcohol, drugs or other addictive behaviours and substances to numb ourselves out. This becomes a vicious cycle that never addresses the real root of what we are feeling.
Instead, go out for a walk. Or listen to some powerful music. Or pray your frustration and alarm to God. Or journal or draw or paint the frustration and alarm. Or tell the kids that you have to go to the bathroom, and give yourself a time out behind the locked door. Or go to your bedroom, shut the door and pound the pillow (though you could also make this a frustration game with the kids and let the frustration turn into laughter). Or call a friend. Or ask your spouse/partner for a time to chat.
Emotion is energy. The emotion needs to be expressed. Find a creative way to get the energy of emotion moving so that it doesn’t come out in a way that hurts others or yourself.
While our spouse/partner/friend isn’t responsible for our feelings, they can be there to support. They just need to be invited in, rather than yelled at. “I’m feeling really scared right now. Can we talk tonight?” Remember, these are adult conversations, not conversations to have with your children or within earshot of your children (even the teenage ones.)
Emotions are not bad or good. They are the natural human response to a situation in which we find ourselves. Frustration and alarm are totally natural in the situation in which we find ourselves. We just need to remember where the fault actually lies – and it is not with our children, spouse/partner, friends, or clerks & cashiers. In fact, there really is no fault – the virus is just doing what viruses do. That’s why it’s so frustrating and scary.
We don’t want to bruise and harm the relationships that are so important to us. We can choose to let the energy of our emotions be expressed and released in ways that don’t cause harm to ourselves or others. So get creative. Invite God in. You’ll be glad you did!
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