Playing with emotions! That’s what we’ve been doing the past few weeks.
I’ve been talking about playing with our emotions because we need them. There are not good and bad emotions. Throw out whatever you’ve been taught about green (go for it), yellow (caution), and red (don’t do it) for emotions. Emotions must move! That is why they are called e-motions. They are about a movement that is happening within, in response to what we are experiencing around us.
Our senses take in information. Our brain processes that information and sends signals to the body, to keep us safe and to help us act, and the body sends back feed-back to the brain about what is happening. And, as part of this, our emotions are stirred. We might not be totally conscious of what is being stirred within us. Sometimes the brain shuts down our ability to feel what is happening so that we can function and do what we need to do. Children often can’t tell you what they are feeling or why they are feeling it. But the emotions are still there!
And eventually emotions must come out -the sooner the better. Alarm, Frustration, Joy, Feeling Separation, Anger – these and all our emotions need to be expressed.
Yes, it can be messy. It will be messy. And the longer the emotions are supressed, the more messy they will be when they come out. Instead of a little frustration, we might end up with a whole volcanic eruption – and then we really have a mess to clean up!
Yes, there are times when it is safer and better for emotions to be expressed. We can’t expect our children to manage this. That’s why playing with emotions is great – it gets ahead of a big build up of emotions.
We don’t want our child hitting another child at school, or something even more violent. Therefore we have to make room for emotions somewhere safe – and that is at home.
Do you have the experience of your child coming home and erupting in frustration as soon as they are in the house or breaking down in tears? Guess what! That means you are doing a great job as a parent. School is not a safe place to express most emotions – so our kids’ brains supress the emotions until they get to a safe place – HOME! and they walk in the door and we get the whole messy pile of emotions. It is not much fun for us – but, oh, do our children need to let it out.
Telling our children, “Now, don’t be angry!” or “Don’t cry!” only makes it worse. We’ve all said these things, but now we know that they don’t help.
There is a reason that Paul writes in Ephesians 4:26, “Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.” What he is telling us is that anger needs to move, to be expressed, before we go to sleep at night. It does make for a better sleep. But what about the part where he says, “Be angry, but do not sin.” Hitting someone in anger is never good. Yelling at someone in anger is never good. Even quietly blaming another person, for what has gone wrong, is never good. We may be angry, but we must take that anger to a place or person where it can do no harm. As adults, we can make those judgements.
But we can not expect our children to deal with their anger alone. We need to be the safe place where they express their anger. We need to be bigger than their anger or any other emotion. And yes, that might involve them standing there and yelling at us – and what we need to do is listen and not react until the anger has run its course. Now is not the time to say, “That isn’t how you talk to me.” It is the time to say, “You are frustrated! I hear your anger!” If you listen and receive, the anger will run its course, and the child will often come for a hug.
If they are sad, we hold them. If they are afraid, we walk with them or hug them tight. We come alongside their emotions, give permission for their emotions, and hold the space for their emotions.
Emotions serve a purpose. We need our emotions, everyone of them.
The great thing is that when we make room for our children’s emotions; when we welcome their tears, their frustration, their fears, the emotional outburst will not last as long as we think it will.
We might think that we don’t have time for our child to cry or to be angry at that moment. Yet, the reality is that if we do make room for the emotion at that moment, it is going to run its course much faster than if we try to shut it down.
And, if we are sensing that our child has lots of frustration or fears or tears that need to be expressed (and most do!), then playing with those emotions before they build up into a super huge eruption, is a great way to make room for expression.
So make friends with your emotions (all of them) and with your child’s emotions (all of them!) The emotions are sending you an important message – a message to which you need to pay attention.
And remember, God is big enough to receive all the emotions you want to express! Sometimes a good angry or tearful prayer is just what our soul needs. Then we can be there for our children’s emotions!
Thanks to Dr. Gordon Neufeld for his work on emotions and the brain. See www.neufeldinstitute.org for more information about the Neufeld Paradigm and the insight approach to emotions and to parenting.
Interested in Emotions: Take “The Science of Emotion” course online with the Neufeld Institute
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