Sometimes it is one big thing that hits us. Sometimes it is numerous small things. Out of it, we are left angry at life, angry at God, just plain angry. We can feel the anger simmering underneath. We may try to contain it and manage it. At times, it may burst forth unwanted, at our children, our spouse, a friend or a store clerk. Life isn’t fair – we want to cry. This isn’t how I planned for things to go. I’ve worked so hard and tried so hard but what’s the use.
The anger may be caused by current circumstances or relationships. Often it is also rooted in past situations or relationships. It may be fed by the financial, societal and political situations around us, and by the demands of extended family or work.
Such anger goes right down to the core of our being. We might try to keep ourselves extra busy, hoping that the anger will just get lost in the busyness. We might allow ourselves moments when we express the anger, but still in a rational and controlled way. The anger feels dangerous and overwhelming. What exactly do we do with it?
Anger comes out of futility – things that aren’t working the way they were promised to work or expected in life. Anger turned on ourselves, saying that we’ve done something wrong, is guilt. Anger turned on another, for what they have done or are perceived to have done, is blame. Anger turned back on ourselves, saying that our very existence is the problem, that who we are is wrong – that’s shame.
Yet, there is only one answer to any form of anger – and that is to sink into the tears of futility. In a safe place or with a safe person, we must cry the futility that we can’t change what has happened, that the situation isn’t what we wanted or wished to create, that the relationship has gone in a different direction than we desired, that we can’t have what we want. The only thing to do with anger is to let the tears come.
Piling more guilt on ourselves won’t alleviate the anger. Blaming someone else over and over again (even if they did do something wrong) doesn’t quiet the anger. Shaming ourselves and naming ourselves as sub-human doesn’t end the anger. Keeping ourselves busy and filling our days with scheduled activities may delay facing the anger, but not erase it. The only thing that allows the anger to move, because emotions must move, is to sink into the deeper feeling behind the anger – and cry!
Whether we are two years old or twelve, twenty years or forty, sixty or eighty, we all hit things that we cannot change, despite our best efforts and our deepest prayers and desires. No matter our age, we all have expectations that are not met, no matter how much we demand that they happen. There are some things we can’t change.
In every relationship and in every life there are seasons. Spring – when everything is new and wonderful, as we embrace possibility and promise. Summer – when we can enjoy and bask in delight. Autumn – when we harvest what we have sown, gather in the rewards of our labours, but also let go of some things in our lives. Then there are the winters of our lives – when everything seems cold and frozen, when life seems impossible and we struggle to feel hope and possibility. Winters feel long, no matter how much time they actually take. In the midst of winter, we can’t remember spring or believe that we will ever experience summer again.
But seasons do change – and so do the seasons of our lives. Relationships go through seasons, and sometimes we need to weather the winters before we move once again into the springtime of the relationship. Sometimes we need to accept that it is autumn and we must let go, giving gratitude for what has been, but making room for what is yet to come.
In the winters of our lives, anger can be overwhelming. We might be afraid that if we sink into the futility and begin to cry, we will never stop. Yet, the truth is that intense sadness and grief do not last. Two hours is the usual maximum before we begin to feel some release and softening.
The gift of tears is that they clear the space within us to allow us to adapt, to weave together our experiences, and to begin to see things in a new way. Yes, we may need many bouts of tears to find our way. Tears don’t change the situation or the relationship, but they free us from the anger to allow us to see the situation in a way that helps us move forward, possibly on new paths.
In the midst of a season of anger and frustration, we also need people around us. We need the support and presence of others. We need close friends and/or family who can hear our anger and receive our tears. We also need a bigger community, such as a congregation, where we are reminded that we are not alone and that there are seasons to life – some difficult and some lovely.
So where is God in anger? Well, we can direct our anger at God. God can take it. We can rant and rave to God knowing that nothing will ever separate us from God’s love. But why, you might ask, doesn’t God answer my prayer and change things, make them better, make them end – just do something!!!!
This is what I believe about God, rooted in scripture. God is love – an enduring, engaging, uncontrollable and uncontrolling love. God’s love can never control either us or any situation. But what God does do is work within us and within other people, when invited. God’s miracles come when the nudges of God’s love are received and acted upon. God’s love also comes in the tears that flow and clear the space within us, so that we can adapt and see things in a new way.
God is not a magician. God is not Santa Claus. God is not a dictator. God is love, and God is present with us, wiping the tears from our eyes, and dreaming with us of an end to our winter of anger.
If anger is the season you are facing right now, know that you are not alone. There are people who are ready to support, ready to receive your anger and your tears, and ready to hold you until you find the path forward.
With the writer of Psalm 6 (verse 6), we might say:
I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with my weeping. My eyes waste away because of grief…
But know that in the midst of tears or anger, there are those who love you and care for you. God is working in your life, more than you can imagine or see right now. You are not alone. God is love.
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