We are either a conduit for the stresses of the world or a buffer from the stresses for our child. Alphie Kohn
You’ve probably heard reference to “helicopter” parents. I know that I’ve been accused of being one. And I really don’t mind. We as parents are meant to buffer our children, to protect them and to shelter them in the storms of life. But there is a fine line that we walk.
My definition of “helicopter” parent is one who won’t let their child do anything for fear of injury (mental, physical and/or emotional), for fear of the child experiencing failure and for fear of the child feeling sadness and disappointment. The helicopter parent is hovering, ready to swoop in and solve every little thing for their child. Their goal is that their child never experiences tears, sadness or upset. If the child gets a bad mark, the parent is asking the teacher to change it. If the child is not invited to a birthday party, the parent works to get the child invited. A broken toy and the parent is off to buy a new one. No tree climbing. No running games. This leads to a “bubble-wrapped” kid. No scraped knees, no disappointments, nothing that will ever cause upset or difficulty is allowed.
And yes, I would say that is a bad thing. Children do need to learn how to deal with sadness, disappointment and upsets in life. Children need to learn that they may be told, No, and there is no way around that No. They need to learn, surrounded by supportive and loving parents, that there is futility and frustration. They need to learn that they can survive futility and frustration.
Sometimes we as parents are both the “agents of futility” and the “angels of comfort.”* We might be the one saying “No” to our child, creating frustration and tears for them. No, you can’t have that cookie. No, you can’t go to that sleep-over. No, you can’t have the car tonight. But just as soon as we are the “agent of futility,” we can also be the “angel of comfort.” When our child hits the tears and anger of frustration, we can also be the ones to say, “Yes, I know that’s disappointing. It’s always hard when we want something very badly and then can’t have it.”
Sometimes, and this is very important, we MUST be the ones swooping in to protect our child and to help them weather the storms and disappointments of life. It’s a fine line – knowing when it is that we need to step in and create the buffer for them and when they are capable of dealing with the situation themselves and learning from it, knowing that we are there to comfort, listen and love.
If our child is too often in alarming, stressful situations, and feel all alone in those situations, they will turn to ways to calm their alarm that can be destructive. We need to monitor and keep them from alarm and stress that will be too much for them. Bullying situations, disasters on the news, dealing with learning challenges in a non-supportive classroom – these and more are situations where we must find a way in as a parent to buffer and to protect. If we know our child is having a bad day, we take their lunch to school if they’ve forgotten it. If we know they overwhelmed by school, we sit and share cookies and milk or help with homework. Anything that could damage their sense of self, anything that could damage their relationship with you – this is where we must buffer and support.
As parents, we need to constantly be figuring out whether our child needs us to be the buffer (even if others think we are helicopter parents) or whether they can handle it on their own (knowing that we are cheering them on and ready to listen). As parents, we don’t throw our kids into the deep end of life situations and hope they can swim. We are there to mentor, support and most of all to love them into being all they can be. Sometimes that may look like “helicoptering” and I’m fine with that.
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