Humility! A spirit of humility has long been a valued quality of faithful people. The apostle Paul often urges those who follow the Way of Jesus to make humility central in their lives. “I beg you,” he writes to the church at Ephesus, “to lead a life worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness and patience.”
Yet, humility has a bad name in our day and age. We prefer, in parenting and teaching children, to talk about the need for self-esteem and for children to think well of themselves. Humility, as it is often defined, seems to be contrary to good self-esteem.
I read a definition of humility this week that jumped off the page for me. It said, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself. Humility is thinking of yourself less!” That, I think, is the kind of humility that the apostle Paul was encouraging in followers of Jesus.
Humility isn’t about beating ourselves up and seeing ourselves as worthless or insufficient or lacking in some (or many) ways. There is also the false humility in which we would never brag about ourselves, and we put ourselves down trusting that others will tell us how good we really are. But both of those kinds of humility are still us focussing on ourselves.
True humility, the humility to which we are called as followers of the Way of Jesus, has to do with thinking about ourselves less and others more, or at least in balance. It is not about belittling ourselves or downplaying our gifts. True humility happens when we shift our focus from our own needs, and our own self-assessment, to the needs and well-being of others.
True humility is a spirit that we can encourage and foster in our children. We can’t teach it, demand it or force it to happen, but we can model it and make it part of our family’s daily life. Younger children just aren’t able to put the needs of others first all by themselves. However, practising true humility, in the context of family, will actually build up a child’s self-esteem as they see the positive difference they can make in other people’s lives by sharing gifts and talents with a focus on other people’s needs rather than their own.
Children will learn true humility by watching the significant adults in their lives. They hear us when we name the needs of other people and not just our own. They will take note when we lovingly do something for someone else, even in the midst of a busy schedule. They will find delight in working with us to make cookies and a card for someone who needs a “smile” in their day. They take their cues from our lives when we shift the focus from always being on ourselves to being on the well-being of others, and doing loving, delightful things for others.
Children also learn true humility when we don’t always focus on their wants and desires. How often do we as parents (or grandparents) make sure that our children have their favourite food or a new toy or the latest fashion in clothing? That’s okay sometimes. But we also need to lovingly accept their tears when they don’t get exactly what they want, when the focus is on other people’s needs and wants. In the long run, we must model something better and sustainable for our children. They won’t always be able to have their own way.
In order to have success in their jobs, to have good relationships with friends and to have a loving marriage/partnership, children need to learn to balance their own needs, wants and desires with the needs, wants and desires of others. They need to learn the delight which comes from honouring others. This is not a fast process. It can not be commanded or instructed. It is something we model with our living, and script in our life together, remembering that our children need the spirit of true humility in order to grow confidence, resilience, courage and good relationships in their lives.
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