Self-care sounds good, but it doesn’t really give us the rest we need. After a long day of caring for others, the last thing I can do at home is take care of myself. Usually it ends up me sitting on the couch in the evening, feet up, watching home improvement shows or playing Angry Bird Match on my telephone. I call that crashing, not self-care. If I have a bit more energy left, I manage to spend some time reading, going for a walk, or maybe even doing some sewing, which are a bit better for my body, mind and spirit. But mostly, I am so done by the end of the day that I have no energy left to take care of myself.
Why is self-care so hard? (and I don’t think I’m the only one who finds it so!). It is hard because we are not meant to care for ourselves. We are hardwired to care for others. I bet you’ve had an experience like this: You’ve crashed for the night. “I can’t do another thing,” you say to yourself. And then your child is sick and needs you or a friend calls in distress – and guess what! You suddenly have the energy to deal with it. How can that be?
It happens because our brains are hardwired to care for others. It is how we are meant to function as human beings. There is a burst of energy that happens when we are called upon by the deep need of someone else. However, if it is always a one way street – with us always giving and others always taking from us – that leads to burn-out. While self-care (time apart, doing something you enjoy) is a stop gap measure, it isn’t the total answer. We are meant to care for each other.
Science tells us so and the Bible tells us so.
Recent brain studies show that the limbic system (our core system for all our vital functioning) relaxes and rests better when we are in the company of those who love and care for us. We digest food better in the company of friends and/or family who respect and support us. We sleep better and our immune system functions better if we have loving community around us.
Now we turn to the Bible, as our foundation for living the Way of Jesus – and what do we find?! Over and over again we are told that we are to care for one another. In Philippians 2:4, we hear, “Look not to your own interests, but to the interests of others.” Just before his death, Jesus places the disciples in the care of each other. He says, “Love one another as I have loved you.” John 13:34-35 Paul instructs the church at Corinth to remember that they are one body in Christ, and that each one has been given gifts for the common good. 1 Corinthians 12 Over and over again, Jesus tells us, and scripture tells us, that we are to care for each other.
Jesus didn’t do self-care. When he went off by himself to pray, he wasn’t taking care of himself. He was putting himself in the care of God, sharing his fears and his frustration within the divine relationship. That too is available to us. Why has Psalm 23 been so popular? Because it is all about resting in God – a God who provides green pastures and abundant water (in the dry climate of Israel), a God who walks through the valley of death with us and challenges our enemies. This is pure and total rest in the care of the God who loves us absolutely, unconditionally.
So, while the introduction of self-care many years ago reminded us that all work and no play or rest is not good for us, we now know that self-care isn’t enough. We are meant to rest in the care of others and in the care of God.
Think about it! How many of the activities you consider “self-care” are actually communal activities – going out with friends, being part of a book club or quilting group. In these, we are resting in the care of others!!! People who meditate or do yoga gather to do so as a group. Monks and nuns, who choose to live in silence, still do so as a group, eating and praying together. That’s why we gather for worship on Sunday. Yes, we can pray anytime, anywhere, all by ourselves. But there really is something about being in a community. When we pray together, there is an energy created in the room. I can feel it grow as we pray together – and it allows all of us to rest in each other’s care and in God’s care.
So, self-care isn’t enough. It never will be. It might be a stop-gap measure, but true rest, fulfilling rest comes when we are cared for by others, and when we rest in God’s care. The amazing thing is that when we are all caring, respectfully and compassionately, for each other, then WE are ALL cared for! Thanks be to God!
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