Someday we won’t be talking about the June 2013 flood that hit High River, or at least not as much. But for now, we do need to talk and acknowledge how it has shaped and changed us individually and as a community. The waters that poured out of the mountains and raged down the river beds on that Thursday, June 20th not only shifted and reshaped the landscape of our town, but also the landscape of our personal lives and our relationships (marriage, committed relationships, friendships.) To deny or ignore these changes is not helpful in the recovery of the town or our own lives.
With all the other people and issues demanding our attention, our significant relationships can end up on the bottom of the list. We have been working hard for almost 2 years now rebuilding our homes, businesses and town. In the midst of it all, we have been trying to maintain some sense of normalcy for our children and grandchildren. And we have our regular life tasks such as earning a living and buying groceries. Like a juggler, we work at keeping every ball in the air. But if one gets dropped or left until later, then it is often the relationship with our spouse or significant friend. We trust that the relationship will somehow be okay, even without our time or attention.
That can only continue for so long. The landscape of our relationship has changed along with the landscape of our town. None of us are at our best. We are often working from the bottom of the barrel of our energy. We are stressed and tired and don’t want to make one more decision. We want someone to step in and solve things for us – but there is no knight in shining armour who is going to ride in and put Humpty Dumpty together again. We may be the main caregiver for younger and older generations, as well as having responsibilities at work. We want our partner to be there to support us – while at the same time realizing that they too are stressed and not functioning at full capacity.
Putting time into and caring for the relationship is essential because it is in this relationship we can find care, joy and love for years to come. For a relationship to be healthy and life-giving, it requires the work of both partners. Working on the relationship can be hard work, but also has the potential to be an enjoyable and fun part of life. Taking time for each other is holy and sacred time.
In the book of Exodus, there is a story of a man named Moses out in the desert. He sees a bush burning but it is not being consumed by the fire. He walks toward it and, as he does, he hears a voice (which turns out to be God’s voice) saying, “Take off your shoes. You are standing on holy ground.”
The image from that story is how I see marriage or any significant relationship. When we enter into a relationship with another person, we are standing on their holy ground. And we need to take off our shoes – that is we need to walk gently and speak gently. We need to move softly with love, recognizing that the better we get to know someone the more potential we have to hurt them as well as love them. The relationship can be the source of the greatest joy as well as the deepest pain.
Caring for the Holy Ground of your Relationship!
1. Remember and renew the romance – after any tragedy or disaster, when we are not at our best, it is easy to lose sight of the joy in the relationship and the delight which we have found in each other. Take time to do romantic things for each other. Tell stories of when you first met and of fun had and love shared through the years. Your children will enjoy hearing some of these stories as well.
2. Recommit to the relationship. There may be times when you don’t feel in love with yourself or with each other. That doesn’t mean the relationship is done. When you are in grief or recovering from trauma, you can feel numb. You can find that you don’t have any energy left to feel much at all. A choice together to commit to the relationship and to working long term to make it a good relationship, filled with joy and love, can bridge the lack of feeling “in love.” Remember, both people have to be committed, not just one trying to make it work for both people.
3. Rebuild your relationship, gently with joy and love. Any experience of grief, disaster or tragedy changes how we see life, how we see ourselves and how we see each other. It can bring out the best in us and the worst in us. We’re looking for solid ground when everything is changing around us in the community, so we might find ourselves becoming hard & fast (dogmatic) about certain beliefs or obsessive-compulsive about how things are done. This won’t help ourselves or our relationship. We can’t change the fact that the flood happened to us. What we can do is seek a softness that allows us to adapt to the new reality in our community as well as in own selves and in our relationships.
4. Release what doesn’t work. We’re not going back to the way things were in our community or in our own lives. That can bring frustration and tears which are natural and, when expressed in healthy ways, can give the space to make changes that we need to make. And we will need to make changes. We didn’t ask for this, but now that we’ve landed in this place, we can choose to let God work with us to create goodness and well-being for ourselves and our relationships. While we may feel that we’ve already lost so much, there may be other things to let go of which no longer work for us.
5. Reconnect with each other. You need time together, not just in passing in the morning or evening. Time with our children, just to hang out and relax, is needed. But so is couple time, where the focus in just on the two of you, with no work to complete, errands to run, phones/e-mail to answer. Don’t let this be the item at the bottom of the list. Relationships don’t last if there isn’t time for connection, for touch, for loving. We each need to know that we are most important in the other person’s life. We may not be at our best, but we must give some of our best time to our partner. Nothing can replace the gift of a life lived together, of shared memories and stories to tell, of someone who knows what you’ve been through and has been by your side through it all. Jesus said, “Love your neighbour as you love yourself.” This applies to marriage and significant relationships as well. We love the other person with body, mind and soul. Together we create the holy ground of our relationship. This takes both people working for well-being, not just one trying to make it work.
Watch Out!
1. Don’t avoid the difficult conversations but do find the right moment when you’re at your best. You don’t have to solve something at the moment you are angry or at your wits end or exhausted. In fact, that’s the worst time to solve it. Your brain and your heart are not functioning well enough. You can’t see the bigger picture or work for the well-being of your relationship. Create the times for conversation, when you are both rested, in a place you both feel safe, and then look for a solution that is not about one of you winning, but about both of you caring for your precious relationship.
2. Don’t let blame control your life. Anger, guilt & shame are all rooted in blaming someone – either yourself or another person. Blame and resentment can control our lives and destroy relationships. While there may be good reason to blame someone and, in this community right now, we can hear lots of blame going around, it doesn’t help us in our own lives or in our relationships. We may indeed need to address a wrong or call someone to account, but being controlled by blame serves no one.
3. Be aware of addictions and habits that are destructive to you and your family. Addictions and bad habits most often get worse when we’ve been through tragedy and disaster. Drugs, alcohol, pornography, smoking, over-eating, shopping, gambling and other addictions pretend to soothe our alarm and anxiety. In reality, they play havoc with our lives and our relationships. It is hard to find release from an addiction by yourself. There is support out there – find it. Addictions destroy relationships. If you value your family and your partner, admit your addiction and ask for help!
4. Don’t be a superhero – don’t over-function! Over-functioning is another addiction. Trying harder, doing more, achieving bigger things. These are all ways we try to make things work when the landscape of our life has changed, when we feel out of control. The flood took control of many things away from us. Before the flood we may have felt in charge of our lives. We knew how to succeed. But the rushing water changed how things are done, in our town, in our businesses, in our homes. You may find yourself working harder to try to make it work the way it did before. But you’re only going to burn yourself out – and ruin your relationships with family and friends. Slow down the pace. Do less rather than more. Let go of expectations of yourself and others. Breathe. Pray. Take time to relax and enjoy life. You are not a failure. You have been through a disaster. Give yourself permission to grieve and to heal. Be patient with yourself and your partner and your kids. Life will be good again. But pushing like a steam roller won’t get you there faster – it will only burn you out.
5. Don’t just hope it will all work out – relationships take work. Relationships need our attention. Look at your partner. Look at your children. Think of what you love about them. Take time to write a note (or draw a picture) that expresses your love. Surprise them with a little something that they love (a cup of coffee, some chocolate, a walk or watching a funny movie together.) If there are challenges in your own life or in your relationship, don’t be afraid to ask for help from professionals. The gift will come as you build a relationship that brings joy, well-being and love for a life-time.
I pray blessings for the holy ground of your relationship. Walk gently and seek together to create the relationship in which both of you will have well-being and know God’s loving, compassionate presence through each other. May it be so!
Home
(403) 652-3168