I love being a Mommy-Fix-It. I’m a solutions person, an ideas person, a possibilities person. If there is a problem, an issue, or something broken, I’m at the ready with a smorgasbord of options to fix the situation. Mommy-Fix-It to the rescue. Like a superhero swooping in, I’m at the ready to dive in and reveal all the possible ways to solve the problem, adapt to the situation or change the situation to make things work out. Mommy-Fix-It to the rescue! In fact, I’m sure that I heard my children say those very words when they were small, handing me a broken toy or showing me a scraped knee. Mommy-Fix-It! and I would be there with glue or band-aids to put things back together again.
But there are limits to even my expansive repertoire of ways to fix everything from scraped knees to poor grades at school. Remember the nursery rhyme: Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty together again. (Did you ever notice that it doesn’t mention that Humpty is an egg? but I digress.) “All the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty together again.” And that’s true for Mommy-Fix-It as well. As much as I hate to admit it, there are some things I just can’t fix in my children’s lives. And there are some things, I just shouldn’t fix in my children’s lives.
There are some things I just can’t fix, broken friendships, competitions lost, birthday parties not invited to. Oh, I have ideas but, if I let sanity reign for just a moment, I realize attempting a fix only creates more convoluted problems. Disappointment and failure are part of life. While I’d like to shelter my children from upset, someday they’re going to need to know that they are resilient enough to survive these moments. So sometimes the very best thing for Mommy-Fix-It to do is create the space for my child’s sadness and frustration and hold their tears as a precious treasure. Through tears, my child will find their own way to adapt or change or release the expectations they had. Tears are transforming. That’s something Mommy-Fix-It, with all her solutions, must remember.
There are some things I just shouldn’t fix in my children’s lives, and they will clearly tell me so. A three year old declaring, “Do It Myself!!” A ten-year-old announcing, “I really rather do that without any help!” or a sixteen year old saying, “I’ll take care of that, Mom!” Declarations of independence can make Mommy-Fix-It’s inner voice whisper, “If my children don’t need me anymore, what will be my purpose in life?” But a wise Mommy-Fix-It knows not to heed that voice. This is the moment that I’ve been working toward, my child finding their own sense of capability and competence. After all, I want them to venture forth into the world and live their lives well. So a wise Mommy-Fix-It knows to walk away with a sense of accomplishment rather than dwelling on not being needed.
Mommy-Fix-It, Daddy-Fix-It, Teacher-Fix-It – we want the very best for our children. We want to see them happy and successful, engaged in fulfilling all the possibilities we saw within them when we first looked into their eyes. We’ve been through the hurt, pain and trauma of life ourselves, in different ways, and, oh, how we’d love to protect our children from the upset, frustration and agony. We’ll always be there as the loving arms that will welcome and hold them when they are ready. We’ll always be there interested and ready to listen. But sometimes, many times, we must not jump in to rescue and to solve. We need to trust that, rooted in our love, children can find resilience and courage, working through their own upsets, disappointments and frustrations to find their own solutions and possibilities and acceptance of what is. Then we can stand there and say, “My child is growing up!”
But I don’t have to worry that I won’t ever been needed again. There will always be times, even when my children are adults, when Mommy-Fix-It will be invited to make a return appearance in their lives, and then I’ll be there. “Mommy-Fix-It” to the rescue! I just pray for the wisdom to know the difference between “Fix-It” times and “Do it themselves times.” May it be so.
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