It’s a busy morning! The kids’ lunches didn’t get made last night. We slept in. It is going to be a mad dash to get out of the door on time. Can’t be late for work – there is a meeting first thing. And then there is that appointment later on. Go! Go! Go! All hands on deck!
It is so easy on a morning where everything is happening at once and nothing seems to be organized the way we had planned to finally rush out the door without ever having said, “Good morning” to our partner or given them a kiss or hug. Our focus in on everyone else and the day ahead, and neither of us even remember to pause for a moment for US.
Or perhaps there was an argument the night before. We were both tired. It had been a long day. Everything fell apart and there was no way to agree. Feelings were hurt. Frustration was high. And the feelings linger this morning, even if we don’t really acknowledge them. Still there is a resistance to pausing to say, “Have a good day. I love you!” to our partner.
We arrive home from work. Supper must be made, the kids have activities to get to, and then there are evening meetings and volunteering. No time for connection, however brief.
It happens so easily. One day slips into the next. Suddenly a week (or more) has gone by and we haven’t really connected as a couple in any way. And when we don’t feel connected as a couple, then the frustration grows between us. Decisions are harder to make together. We lose patience with each other’s mistakes and foibles.
So much for the early times of the relationship when we couldn’t wait to see each other, to hug, to kiss, to share intimacy. While this early romance isn’t going to last, the connection we have with each other must be nurtured and cherished for the sake of the relationship.
So this Valentine’s Day, take a moment to pause and reflect together on the two gifts that you need to give to each other every day for the good of your relationship. And if your relationship is stressed and difficult right now, this is the place to start rebuilding what you once had.
Gift 1: Collecting each other
It may not feel as if you have time in the morning or when you get home from work, but please make time to collect or connect. It is one of the most important things that you will do in the day. Remember, if your connection as a couple is good, it benefits not only the two of you but also your children and others beyond that. If you aren’t connected, the children know, no matter how much you try to hide it from them (and often kids blame themselves.) So make the time. Create a ritual of saying Hello and saying Good-bye. Don’t let one arrival or one parting happen without it. A kiss, a hug, an “I love you!” Maybe you can make a game of coming up with a new term of endearment for each other each day. In French, they say, “Mon petit chou,” which means, “My little cabbage.” So how about an “I love you, my beautiful rutabaga!" or “You’re mine, my sweet Merlot!” Make it playful. Make it suit you as a couple. But take the time! If you’ve lost the practice, it may feel a bit stilted at first. You’ll be amazed at the difference it makes to how you live together and love together as a couple.
Gift 2: Bridging the Times Apart. Bridging the Storms.
A bridge connects one side of a river or road to the other, connects what divides. We need to bridge times of separation in our relationships. Without the bridges, we can easily become divided.
First of all, we need to bridge times of separation (no matter how small). One of the biggest challenges we have as human beings is to hold on to those we love when they are apart from us. This is huge for children, especially, but it is also something we need to address as couples.
To bridge a time of separation, we put the focus on the next time we’ll be together. “Can’t wait to see you after work and tell you about my day.” “When we get home this evening, let’s have a cup of tea, so I can hear about your meeting today.” The focus is always on when we will be back together. If the parting is for a longer time, then focus on ways that you can connect while away from each other. When will you chat by phone or FaceTime? When will you text each other?
You can also bridge this time apart by having a connecting object. I wear a necklace that my husband gave me when I’m going away for a few days. You might put a love note in your partner’s suitcase just as they are leaving. A beautiful stone that you found together on a beach could be tucked in a purse, pocket, briefcase or backpack. What object might be a physical reminder of your cherished relationship?
The other bridging that needs to happen is when we face storms in our marriage. If you’ve had a fight, if one person is hurt by the actions of the other, or if something you were doing together has become a disaster, these are storms that need to be bridged. One or both of you need to say (or at least think to yourself), “Our relationship is more important than this argument.” “You are more important to me than being right about this.” “I know things are rocky right now, but I still love you.”
Sometimes emotions are high (I’ll come back to this next week.) But can one or both of you remember that the relationship is the most important thing of all! You are both adults in this relationship, though sometimes it is easy to start feeling like a small child full of frustration and fury and sadness. You don’t have to solve a situation when one or both of you are feeling full of big emotions. You don’t try to dock a boat in a storm because you’ll destroy the dock if you do – instead you ride the storm out and wait for the calm to pull in to shore.
I offer you these two, Collecting and Bridging, as gifts (from the Neufeld Paradigm). Focussing on these two actions will bring you closer and help you mend and tend to your relationship so that it can be more of what you desire. (No relationship is perfectly fulfilling.)
Collect and connect with each other at all arrivals and partings.
Bridge any separations and all storms.
And know that God is with you, collecting and connecting with you, and bridging what divides. You are not alone.
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Collect and connect with each other at all arrivals and partings.
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