“You always hurt the one you love The one you shouldn't hurt at all” -- so go the lyrics by an old Mill Brothers song.
It takes my breath away when I stop to realize how easily I could emotionally wound my husband and my children. It would only take a moment to pierce their hearts with words that I know would devastate them. I am so privileged to have them in my life. I love them and cherish them so dearly. Yet, I could so easily hurt them.
We’ve all seen it happen in relationships – our own and those of other couples. Sometimes it happens unintentionally and we deeply regret it the moment the words leave our mouths. Sometimes it happens on purpose, and this is the saddest of all. Why do we hurt the ones we love?
It can happen for many reasons – and there are ways to prevent most of it. First of all, how it happens—
Pursuit – For some, it comes out of a feeling of “I’ve got you; now I can do what I want.” There is a sense of entitlement. Now that we are married, now that we are a couple, I don’t have to be as careful about what I say. Sometimes, we even feel that we have the right to say whatever comes to mind, especially if we think that we are in the right or that we are “helping” the other person by being brutally honest. But that is not so. We never have the right to say things that we know will hurt our partner. Being coupled doesn’t mean we can say whatever we want to the other person and they just have to take it.
Past – We don’t come into marriage as a blank slate. We bring with us our past experiences, a bundle of emotions from those experiences, and behaviours we have learned in (or developed because of) our families of origin. Two things can happen with this past we bring with us that can be hard on a marriage and cause hurt in a marriage.
First of all, we may feel safe enough in the marriage that the frustration and sadness from our past may start to surface. The marriage isn’t causing the frustration and sadness; they are being expressed because the relationship is safe and supportive. But sometimes it is hard to differentiate. So take time to consider together – do these emotions belong to our marriage or do they come from the past? If the relationship is safe enough so that the past emotions have room to be expressed, that is amazing but also difficult. I suggest finding professional support outside of the relationship, if these emotions are threatening the relationship.
Secondly, it may be that wounding behaviours learned in the family of origin, or caused by the family of origin, are being acted out in not so helpful ways within the marriage. Addictions, abuse, bullying, overwork, and more – these can destroy a relationship but they don’t have to. They need to be addressed, with professional support, so that the wounding is reduced and avoided.
Expectations – We come into a marriage with expectations. We may have role expectations based on gender. (Interestingly, a recent study has shown that the happiest marriages are gay relationships because these expectations tend to be negotiated better between two men. See The New York Times: “How to Make Your Marriage Gayer.”) There can also be an expectation that your partner will fulfill all your needs and a feeling of frustration when they don’t satisfy all your expectations. We feel wounded because they haven’t met our expectations, and then, frustrated, we find ways to wound them by what we say and do or by withdrawing our love and affection. This can become a vicious cycle between a couple. However, the truth is that no one person in the world, no matter how amazing they are, can meet all of our needs. Our partner will disappoint us at times and we will disappoint them – just by being ourselves. Expectations must be managed and discussed. And we need a village around us, with many people to provide support to us as individuals and to our marriage. This takes the pressure off of the one relationship. This village of support used to be provided by extended family and close-knit communities. Church congregations can still provide this.
Knowledge of the Other Person – Remember when you first fell in love, how you talked for hours, sharing stories and sharing secrets. When we enter into a committed relationship with another person, we are entrusted with knowledge that they may have never shared with anyone else. Through the years together, this knowledge expands and deepens. This is a privilege, something that we must hold gently. It is this knowledge of what will cause the other pain, what will hurt them, that can become a weapon if we are not careful. We must never use what we know about our partner, and our children, and what they care about against them.
So how do we avoid hurting the one’s we love? Three things:
Holy Ground: We must never take the relationship for granted. We have been invited to enter the other person’s holy ground. Like Moses, who was invited to stand on the holy ground in front of the burning bush from which came God’s voice, we must take off our shoes and tread gently and tenderly. This doesn’t mean that we avoid difficult topics or conversations. It does mean that we enter into each difficult conversation with a deep sense of the privilege we have to be on this holy ground of together.
Mixed feelings: Frustration, fear, sadness – emotions can come upon us and overtake us. We can feel so mad, so aggravated, so irritated, that we just want to lash out. (especially if we are hungry or tired) We may be ready to take it out on our partner, even if it doesn’t even really have anything to do with them. BUT we are adults. We have the ability to temper our feelings by mixing them with other feelings that can bring balance to the moment. I’m angry, yet I also love this person. I’m irritated, but I also have committed to caring for this person. I’m scared and frustrated, but I also feel compassion for what the other person has been through. We temper our feelings for the sake of the relationship, and out of love for the other person. And, at a point, where we feel well-connected with each other, we can sort out what happened, without blame or accusation, for the good of our relationship.
Slow down when it all feels urgent. There used to be advice that when you were feeling something you should act on it immediately. That was bad advice. It is the best way to hurt someone else. The more sure you feel that you are right, the more certain you are that this must be dealt with immediately, the more convicted you are that this must be addressed right now, the more urgent it all feels – the more you need to slow down, press pause, and find your mixed feelings. It might mean going for a walk, listening to music, kneading bread, hitting some tennis balls, or whatever you need to do to allow the emotion to move in a safe way, until you can find your sense of caring for the other person. There may indeed be something that needs to be sorted out, but the worst time to do that is when the emotions are running high. If you try to dock a boat in a storm, you’ll destroy the dock. Emotions are neither good or bad, in and of themselves. Emotions need to move, but they should not be used to wound other people, especially those we love. We are wiser when we have a mix of feelings and questions in a situation, not when we are certain.
We don’t have to accept that it is just a fact of life that we will always hurt the ones we love. We have the ability to learn and to make choices – and we can choose to temper our words and actions so that we aren’t the agents of wounding for our dearest ones. And, if it happens, in spite of our best intentions, then we can ask for forgiveness and seek to change our own behaviours and choices. There was something that drew you together as a couple. Don’t let continuous wounding take away the beauty of what is possible between you. Healing can be found.
It is such a blessing to live on the holy ground of another person. I thank our Loving and Gracious God everyday for the gift of my husband and sons. I continue to live in awe that they are a part of my life! May I never wound them intentionally and, when I do wound them in spite of my best intentions, may we find healing together.
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