We’ve all had those frustrating moments when we know our child is lying to us. It is so easy to see them as bad and deceptive, but the truth lying is a natural reaction in a child who is maturing. Yes, we’d like our children to not tell lies, but we shouldn’t make a big deal about it when they do. I’ll tell you why I say that first, and then I’ll suggest what you can do.
Here’s what you need to know about why children (and even adults) tell lies: Children under 8 years can’t hold two thoughts/feelings (mixed feelings) in their mind at once. Their brain isn’t mature enough to do that. They can only think one thing at a time, and it is the strongest feeling/thought/desire that wins out at any given moment. Let me give you an example:
We’re at a family Christmas party. The house has been filled with 30-40 people, eating, chatting, and visiting. Ben who is 5 years old and his sister Ava who is 3 are the only children under 15 there. This is not a house they have visited before and it is not a house where the couple have ever had children. But Ben and Ava have done well in finding places to play and laps to sit on. Now it is time to go home and they are very tired.
Ben’s dad asks him, “Did you hug Gramma?” Ben is thinking, “I’m tired and I want to go home.” After a long evening, that’s the overpowering feeling. Therefore all his choices will be made on the basis of what will get him out the door (and away from all the people around him) as fast as he can. So, his answer to his Dad is “Yes.” (when actually he hadn’t hugged Gramma). He isn’t intending to lie. It’s just that he has no mixed feelings about this. The only feeling he has is, “I want to go home.” Giving Gramma a hug doesn’t get him out of the door fast enough in his mind. At that moment he isn’t thinking, “This is a lie.”
So when Dad asks, “Ben, did you hug Gramma?” Ben is going to say YES, whether or not he did, because he wants to get home. He isn’t trying to deceive his dad; his brain is just on its one thought course and nothing else counts.
Now, if Ben realizes that he didn’t do what Dad asked, the brain goes into, “I don’t want to get into trouble with Daddy” so he again he says, “Yes, I hugged Gramma,” even if he didn’t. Remember – his brain can’t hold two things at once, so he isn’t mulling it over: “On one hand I’ll get in trouble if I lie to Daddy and on the other hand I’ll get in trouble because I didn’t do as Daddy asked, but it would be best to tell the truth and then go hug Gramma.” At 5 years old, the brain can’t handle that kind of maturity of thinking and sort it out. So the brain sticks with the immediate response: I don’t want to get in trouble with Daddy so I’ll say, “Yes, I did it.” Again, Ben is not planning on being deceptive or plotting to lie to his Dad. It’s actually quite a natural response.
Under all of this is his attachment to his Dad and not wanting to do anything that can harm that attachment with his parent and care provider. He knows how vulnerable he is in this big world, especially now that he’s going to kindergarten. Even though it comes out as lying, what really is underneath is “I want to preserve my attachment with my Daddy” (okay, so not his words but mine – he wouldn’t even be consciously thinking this.) And he’s going to do whatever seems expedient in that moment to protect the attachment. Even if logically we can see that it was the wrong choice, it seems right to his brain at the moment. He wants to keep Daddy close.
The truth is that all of us have points where we have a hard time keeping two things in our minds at once. If we are tired or sick or overwhelmed, we can easily go back to single thought thinking. “I want this beautiful necklace. I’ve worked hard today and I deserve it.” – and we forget the other side “I don’t have money to spend on this right now. The money I do spend will be money that my husband is counting on to buy winter tires for the van.” If adults can’t always find their mixed feelings, imagine how hard it is for a tired, overwhelmed 5 year old. The chance of him keeping more than one thing in mind (mixed feelings) is near to impossible. At moments it might just happen, but only when he is rested, relaxed and in a familiar environment.
The other thing that leads to lying at around 4-5 years of age is that children begin to understand that they have some control over their environment. At 3 years and younger, they mostly just do what Mommy and Daddy say. But as they get older, they start to figure out that the things they say and choices they make really do have an impact on what happens around them. And so they start experimenting with this – which includes saying things that aren’t true. This isn’t about being devious, but about figuring out how this all works.
So what I’m saying is “lying” is a normal stage for 4-5 year olds.
What I suggest is that you don’t make it a big deal. Don’t focus on it. Don’t draw attention to it in front of others, because shaming doesn’t help. Even with older children, don’t make a big deal of calling them on their lie at the moment when it happens because they are likely doing it because they are tired or stressed or hungry. And don’t ever call them on it in front of other people. In the moment when they’ve lied, if you make a big deal about it, you’re going to find yourself in an unwinnable argument, and you are going to end up doing something to your child (punishment, name calling, etc.) that will do more harm than good in the long run.
If you do find that a child has lied, wait until a better moment, a moment when your child is feeling close to you and in good spirits. You don’t have to deal with the lie at the instant it happens (really you don’t!). When you have that close feeling with your child, gently and perhaps with a bit of humour, bring it to their attention. “I noticed before supper that you said that you had your homework done when you and I both know you didn’t. I wonder what was going on for you at that moment. I bet you were wanting to play your game instead of having to do your homework. You were probably feeling quite hungry. It’s complicated sometimes, isn’t it, when we want to do one thing and know that we should do another.” Accept the child’s good intentions to not do it again. They really do plan not to do it again. Don’t point out that they promised last time and didn’t follow through – remember that they can’t always hold on to those mixed feelings; that’s why they don’t always follow through on good intentions. Good intentions eventually lead to the behaviour you want – though there may be many failures in between.
In Ben’s situation, the other thing Dad can do is to get in the lead before Ben is even put in the position of either lying or not lying. Dad can name the two feelings – “You look tired and I bet you want to go home right now. But we also need to give our hugs good-bye. It’s hard to want to go home and then stop to give everyone hugs. Let’s go do it together and then we’ll head home.” Dad creates a safe space for Ben and gets in the lead so Ben isn’t forced to lie. Dad is also modelling the holding of two feelings at once. Gradually Ben will begin to notice that in himself, and gradually the brain catches on and matures into having mixed feelings. Though as I said above, even adults find it hard to hold on to those mixed feelings at times, and find themselves making bad choices and even lying. Bet you can think of a time when you’ve lost your mixed feelings, a fairly recent time!
So next time your child lies about something (whatever their age) , I invite you to consider what is going on for them that has led to them losing their mixed feelings. What is so overwhelming (hunger, tiredness, stress, desire to play with a friend) for them that they can’t remember that they shouldn’t lie (they do know it – just can’t remember it at that moment.) Then come alongside them and help them find a way through on their path to maturity.
Thanks to Dr. Gordon Neufeld, for helping me understand this about children.
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