Teenage & menopausal hormones!!! Those are in full swing in our house. all at the same time. And one of the biggest symptoms is a hard time sleeping at night and feeling rested in the morning. God bless Dad who manages to quietly sit and drink his coffee, grounding us in his stillness, while the rest of us gradually greet the day through a path of morning grumpies and grouchies.
While a good sleep at night is part of the rest our children need, it doesn’t end there. To feel fully refreshed, our children also need rest from anxiety, worries and alarm. They need to feel safe and secure. Most of all, they need to feel loved absolutely and unconditionally.
Do you remember how vulnerable it felt to be a child? Do you remember the monsters under the bed or the fears waiting outside the door at night? Do you remember how alone it felt in your bedroom? When I was first old enough to stay home alone, I remember being in tears imagining all the horrible things that might happen to my parents before they returned home. Whether our child is a pre-schooler or a teen, the world out there can seem like a big, scary place, impossible to safely navigate.
Our children need two things in order to feel rested and refreshed: they need to feel safe in the midst of the vulnerability they feel, and they need to know that they are not alone. The answer to both these needs is YOU! As parent/grandparent, the significant adult in your child’s life, YOU are the Best Answer for your child.** It’s in your arms that they find safety. It’s in your arms that they find the love that no one else can give them. It’s in your presence that they find the rest they need from fears, anxiety & worries. We have more to offer than the best school or best activity/program.
It’s all about BEING. It’s about taking time to see our child, accept their fears & feelings, and show them that they are significant and precious in our lives. It’s about washing dishes together, planting the garden, going for a walk, reading a story – anything that puts us in close proximity to each other, giving time to chat and dream, share stories, ideas and feelings, and just be together.
Our children may try to protect us from their biggest worries and anxieties. Especially in times when they know that we are stressed, anxious and fearful ourselves, they won’t want to add to our fears and worries. After all, we are their caregiver and protector. They need us to be there for them and they don’t want to do anything that might be too much for us to bear.
Our job as adults is to constantly give the message that we can handle our own feelings, worries and fears. Our children need to hear & see us doing what it takes to bring balance back into our lives when we face anxiety, stress & grief. They need to hear us say: “I’m taking care of my own worries & fears. That isn’t your job. I am here for you and you can tell me if you are afraid or sad or mad.”
And then we need to honour that promise and be big enough for any and all of their emotions and reactions, the grouches & grumpies of the mornings, the stresses & anxieties of their days and the fears & worries that come creeping in at night. Even if we are tired or hormonal or fearful, when our children need us, we dig deep and step up to listen, to hold, to reassure that there is no problem or worry or fear too great in life that they can’t share it with us.
We need to be the roots that hold them in the winds of life, the wings that lovingly enfold and cradle them, and the mother/father bear that stands between them and their fears. We are the place where our children can rest from worries, fears & anxiety. What a great privilege that is!!!
**That’s what Dr. Gordon Neufeld explores in his work on human development and attachment. You can find out more about his work at www.neufeldinstitute.com
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