First of all, when answering a child’s question, remember:
-Children usually want simpler answers than we give them.
-Children may not be asking the question we think they are asking.
-Children love answering their own questions.
-There is no bad question.
-It is okay not to have an answer right away..
-It is also okay to say that some questions just don’t have answers, at least not right now.
ESPECIALLY – remember that children love answering their own questions.
However, this is another one of those questions that I would not let my child answer.
We want to protect our children. It is our job as parents, as the adults in their lives, to protect them, keep them safe, provide for them, care for them. It breaks our hearts that they might have to face anything that makes them suffer in any way.
So our natural tendency when asked, “Is (insert name) very sick? Will they die?” is to answer, “No, no. Everything will be okay.” We want to ease their minds, calm our children and protect them.
But children have “spidey” senses. Deep down they know that something is going on. It is a survival instinct for them. Human children, when they are born, are some of the most vulnerable creatures on the earth. While a newborn calf or colt is up and running within minutes of birth, our human babies need two years before they start walking. While that calf or colt quickly learns to graze the grass in the field, our human children are dependent upon us for years to provide food for their nourishment. Yet, what these vulnerable human children lack in independent survival abilities, they make up for with huge thinking and sensing brains. Those brains alert them very quickly that something might be amiss with someone they love, someone who provides for them. It is a survival thing!
So, if they are sensing that something is wrong with mommy, daddy, grandma, grandpa, a sibling or a pet, we are not really doing anything helpful with easy reassurances that all will be well. Children notice, even if they can’t fully verbalize what they are noticing. And….
Children have huge imaginations. If we don’t give them information, or if they sense that we are holding back information, they will fill in the details with their imagination. Almost always what they imagine will be far worse, far more gruesome and scary, than the truth.
So, when asked about whether grandma, grandpa, a pet or someone else is sick, we need to answer our child’s question, honestly, caringly, with just enough information as appropriate to their age. We need to invite their questions so we can clarify any wrong imaginings.
Flushing their dead pet fish down the toilet before a child gets up in the morning and telling the child the fish has gone on vacation, only confuses the child, and leaves unshed tears.
Hiding the fact that grandma has cancer is going to make it worse if suddenly the child gets up one morning and discovers that grandma has died from that cancer. Rather than having had time to journey with the family through the diagnosis and treatment, they are suddenly confronted with final loss and separation – and it makes it all the more scarier and sadder.
So, share information with children, in clear, basic, simple, and honest terms. You don’t need to give all the details, and every twist and turn of possible outcomes and side-effects. “Yes, grandma is sick. She has cancer. I’m going with grandma to the doctor to talk about medicines they can give her, and treatments they do for her. But she still loves you and will give you a big hug when she sees you tomorrow.”
Basic, clear, simple, honest information – always followed by a loving connection. Cuddle with your child when having this conversation. End with a big hug or whatever way of connecting best works for you. Make sure the child knows that they are welcome to ask questions, and that you will answer them the best you can.
Give the child something they can do to be part of it. “Why don’t we make a card for grandma?” or a hand-drawn story book or a fleece blanket or pick a bouquet of flowers or a batch of cookies. Pray together that grandma will feel God’s love holding & helping her.
Take the child to visit, whether at home or the hospital or the hospice. If the child is surrounded by those they love, if they are held in your arms, they will know that there is nothing of which to be afraid. Make hospitals and hospices normal places for children. While they may need to be a bit quieter than usual because people are sleeping, there is nothing better than hearing children’s laughter or chatter to bring a smile to an ailing patient. Take along some activities & toys that the child can play while there – better yet, if grandma is up to it, take a book she can read to the child or a puzzle they can do together.
If there is going to be a sudden change in appearance of the child’s loved one or pet, prepare them for it, in a matter of fact, simple way. Don’t make a big deal about it, but do tell them, “When we see Grandma today, she isn’t going to have any hair. The medicine has made her hair fall out, but her hair will grow back when the medicine is done.” And it is okay if the child starts giggling about it, or decides to make grandma a special scarf to wear.
Create normalcy for the child as much as possible. While it may be hard to maintain regular routines, especially if there are lots of trips for treatments and visits to the hospital, do your best (or invite someone to do it for you) to keep the child in normal routines & activities. This provides reassurance and anchors them through whatever is happening.
The big thing will be dealing with your own emotions about the situation. While you can’t protect your child from the fact that illness (severe, maybe even terminal) is happening to a beloved one, what you can offer is your caring, reassuring presence to them. That means that if you are afraid or overwhelmed, you have to deal with that away from your child. You are not going to say to your child, “I am terrified that grandma is going to die.” That is not the honesty and information your child needs to hear. Now your child is not only facing grandma’s illness but has to deal with the fact that the person who is supposed to care for them is afraid. That is very scary for a child. (But you might need to say, “Grandma is very sick. Her body is getting very weak. It might be that Grandma is going to die soon, but today we are together and here. We can love grandma and give her big hugs. And she will always, always love us and never stop loving us, no matter what.” Information then connection – that’s what the child needs.)
You need to dig deep and present to your child a confident, caring front, even if deep down you are a mess of fear and sadness. Share the fear and sadness with a spouse or a friend or your minister, far away from your child’s hearing. For the child, you need to be the rock, the solid spot to land, the loving arms which hug them and hold them no matter what. You need to be the one who leads them through this time, helping them know what to do, hugging and kissing them when they are crying or afraid, welcoming their tears and their questions. You can’t protect them - but you can love them and hold them. That is the greatest gift of all.
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