I’d like to always be able to make things better for my kids. I’d like to keep them from pain and hurt and disappointment. I’d like to keep them from making mistakes and facing the consequences. I remember, when they were little, seeing their beautiful little faces squish up into tears and wanting to do anything to bring their smiles back. Even now, as they move through the teen years, it still breaks my heart when I see them hurt or disappointed or distraught. I’d like to always be able to protect my kids from the trials and pains of the world or at least be able make it better for them.
One of the hardest learnings I have had as a parent is that I can’t always make it better. In fact, I’ve learned that most of the time it is better for them if I don’t make it better. Imagine that! My attempt to take away their hurt, pain and disappointment can actually do more harm than good!! It seems counterintuitive, but it’s true.
As human beings, we are meant to learn from mistakes, failures and challenges in life. If we are never allowed to make a mistake, fail at something or face a challenge, then our learning is incomplete. We have to learn that there are limits to what we can do, that our actions affect other people, and that sometimes we just mess up and have to figure out what to do next. My kids need to hear me (or others say), “No, that isn’t the way to do that.” They need to break a toy and not have me run out and buy them a new one. They need to burn the toast and find out how to safely handle that mistake. They need to get a poor mark on an assignment and decide for themselves what to do about it.
As a parent, I’m not going to have to set up any of these circumstances. They are just going to happen to my children in the normal course of living. And they will have tears or anger or disappointment, which are also normal for human beings. Instead of trying to make it better by quickly cleaning up the burnt toast for them or negotiating a better mark for them, the best thing I can do is to come alongside them and walk with them through the tears, anger and disappointment. I don’t try make it better, but I listen and help them find some ideas about what they might want to do in the situation. I let them know that they can survive the situation and that they have the capacity to handle it.
What they are learning is a far greater gift than I would give by trying to make it better. They are learning resiliency, the ability to bounce back after a disappointing or hurtful situation. It is the ability to know what to do to help oneself feel happy and peaceful again. That is a skill that every child needs – to be resilient in the face of the pain, challenges and even tragedy that can come their way. I won’t always be there to protect my kids. But I can help them find their own inner strength and resiliency so that they know they can survive a disappointment, a poor mark, a hurtful word, a negative response, words of correction or a tragic circumstance. While my heart might break to see their momentary pain, ultimately I am giving them a gift that will last a life time – resiliency.
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