We live in a digital world. We parent and grandparent in a digitally driven world. Remember the fear on New Year’s Eve, 1999, that the whole world might come crashing to a halt as computers failed to make the transfer to the year 2000. Yet here we are seventeen years later, with more technology than ever driving our daily lives, and our children’s lives.
I was in EB games the other day to order the newest Nintendo gaming system, Nintendo Switch, for our oldest son. Another family was there ordering one of these new systems for each member of the family. It surprised me, but really…count the digital devices in your home. We don’t even notice them anymore. They are just part of our daily lives.
Remember when the phone was attached to the wall. I had a 20 foot cord in my one home so I could do dishes or move about the house as I talked. Now I carry my cell phone in my purse wherever I go. And that cell phone has more power and potential than the computer I saw in the 1970’s in Edmonton which was used to process telephone bills and which took up a whole floor of an office building. Now I can’t imagine going anywhere without my cellphone/computer in my pocket or purse.
Yet, while celebrating that safety, convenience and opportunities presented by the cellphone in our pockets, we are also quite aware of the challenges that these digital devices cause in our lives and in our children’s lives. While phones and internet are meant to help us connect as people, they are actually causing human connections and relationships to deteriorate. We sit there, all too often, each on our own computer, cellphone or gaming device, and no conversation, no connection happens between us. As parents and grandparents, we often feel that our children are ahead of us in understanding these devices. We worry about our children being addicted to technology. We wonder if they are getting enough physical activity in their lives.
Here are some things I’ve learned about working with my children and their cellphones, gaming systems and more:
Take the lead. Be the model. If we are constantly on our phones or computers, then our children won’t understand why we are asking them to stop playing their games or texting or snapchatting. We have to take the lead in setting times for not engaging digital devices (such as at the family supper table or an hour before bed). We also need to take the lead in what kind of games our children play. We must pay attention to what is age-appropriate as well as what is appropriate to the temperament of our child. Then we have to follow the rules ourselves and be the model – no matter how important that work e-mail is.
Seek to understand. Engage in conversation. Talk to your children about the games they are playing and the apps they are using. Find out why they like them, why they use them. Ask questions so you can understand how the game works. Can they save the game in the middle or only at a particular point? If they drop out of a multi-player game, will they lose levels and points which they have worked hard to earn. Who are the others who are on the game with them? This isn’t a grilling, but rather an ongoing conversation in which you are genuinely interested in your child, and delighting in who they are while also learning about their world.
Don’t put yourself in a competition with a digital device. You will lose. Have you ever stood there and said, “Supper’s ready! Come now!” and then said that over and over again while your child continues to play a game, until you are so frustrated you are ready to pull the plug out of the wall. As I mentioned in the point above, many games are set up so that you can’t just leave in the middle of a game play. The penalties are huge, especially in multi-player online games. In other games, there are only certain points where you can save the game. If you drop out before that point, you lose everything you’ve accomplished to that point. While these things might not seem important to you, they are valuable to your child. Think of the things you enjoy doing. If you were forced to stop immediately, and would lose everything you had done in the past hour by doing so, I’m sure you would be resentful and frustrated. I would be. While we might see these games as just games, as virtual rather than real, from a child’s point of view they have put time and energy into it and it’s something they value. If we force them to quit and thus lose points, levels and status, it is going to harm our relationship with our child. So, talk to your child when neither of you are frustrated and angry, and set up some strategies so that these situations don’t happen. That way you’ll be in the lead as the parent, rather than losing to the technology. In our house we’ve agreed that - I will give lots of notice before supper (60 or more minutes) since most games can be finished in that time. -If notice for a meal or another activity has been given, the kids won’t start a new game if they finish one in that time period (or they will do a game that allows them to stop when they want.) -The kids will check with parents about their plans to start a game so that timing can be worked out. -We recognize that we all mess up sometimes. Sometimes I forget to let them know when supper is coming. Sometimes they forget to ask. If this is happening too much, then, when heads are cool, we need to talk it through again and possibly establish some new rules or approaches. -If they have forgotten to tell me, I will only force them to get off a multi-player game or drop out before a save point in a game if it is an absolute emergency, such as we have a dental appointment and we must be there. If they are forgetting all the time, then that takes us back to re-establishing ground rules for how we work.
Provide alternative and be active in the alternatives. Too much time on games or digital devices isn’t good for parents or for children. Once again we need to be the models of putting away our phones or getting off our computers and going for a walk, playing a board game or heading to the swimming pool. Our kids will learn far more from how they see us balance our lives than from what we say to them. When we provide alternative activities to texting, snapchatting or online gaming, we need to be involved. It is no good to say to our child, “No more digital games today” and send them off to play while we continue to work on the computer. We need to go play a board game, bake cookies or do something together. Then the kids will learn to enjoy the other activities and we will have time for building relationships with each other, rather than our children resenting that we have kicked them off their devices while we are on ours.
Honour that this is your children’s world. Digital devices aren’t going away. Our children are growing up in a world of computers and cellphones and gaming systems. Every family will chose how many of these devices and how much use they will get in their homes. But outside of the home, our children will be engaging these devices. We will lose the fight against them if we take that approach. Instead, we can model a healthy way of living with digital devices so that we can be happy and healthy emotionally, spiritually and physically.
Each evening we will watch a video together and then enter into discussion together.
7:00 – 8:30 pm
March 2, 9, 16 (not on 23) & 30
Cost: $75.00
Technology is all around us. We engage the world through cellphones, computers and all sorts of social media. Our children are ahead of us in knowing how to use this technology, but they need us! They need wisdom, discernment and guidance in the huge world that technology opens to them. As parents and grandparents, our role is to understand the digital world and take a lead in supporting our children and grandchildren as they engage it.
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