Do you have a Child or a Gerbil?

“It’s Your Kid, not a Gerbil”

I couldn’t resist picking up this book by Dr. Kevin Leman. I love the title and I love the concept he goes after. The sub-title is “Creating a Happier & Less-Stressed Home.”

When our children arrive in our lives, we fall in love with them. We want the best for them. We imagine all the possibilities for their lives. We want them to have every opportunity.

As we hold that precious child, we dream big dreams for their lives. As have parents through the centuries….but we are the first generation or two in which most of us (not just the rich) have the time, money and good health to actually offer our children all the possibilities. So how do we choose as parents and how do we guide our children’s choices? And how do we remember that “It’s Your Kid, not a Gerbil?”

Leman draws on the image of the gerbil running in the wheel, running and running until exhaustion, no end in sight, just running and running, and the wheel keeps spinning. Is that what your family life feels like – is that what your child’s life feels like? he asks.

What our children really need from us is permission just to be themselves, permission just to be, to be good at some things and not-so-good at other things, to play and to rest, to learn and to work and to goof-off. They need the clear message that we love them just because they exist, not because they are good at hockey or ballet or swimming or scouting.

And that may be our intention, to have them know that they are loved unconditionally, but does that get lost in the gerbil-wheel of activities, in which life becomes about the activities and excelling at them rather than about our unconditional love for the child?

The other thing that our children need from us is US! They need just to be with us. They need our presence and attention, not because they are performing, competing or receiving an award, but just because they are our children. They need us more than activities.

It’s a challenge though. I want my kids to explore and try new things. But there’s no rush. Before the age of 5 or 6, children need home life, not social life. After that point, it is always a balance between having fun at activities and having fun together at home, giving opportunities to explore and experiment and taking time to hang out together as a family.

Studies show that children who have dinner at the table with their family most nights of the week are better buffered against depression, abuse of drugs and alcohol, joining gangs and the other things we fear as parents. Children need parents to listen and to love them..

“It’s Your Kid, not a Gerbil” – we’re not going to win a medal as parents by having our kids in the most activities. However, in spending time with our kids, we will receive the greatest reward of parenting, a life-long relationship filled with love, wonder, respect and lots of joy.