What a joy to hold a tiny baby girl in my arms this past Sunday for baptism! There is something so precious about an infant who is so totally dependent, totally vulnerable. As I hold the child, I am overwhelmed by the desire to hold gently this child’s vulnerability and to protect her.
Human children are born into this world vulnerable and stay dependent upon us much longer than any other species. We can easily lose sight of just how vulnerable they are as they pursue greater and greater independence. We celebrate the first smile, the first solid food, the first step and, of course, the day they begin using the toilet independently. But I think, in the midst of celebrating this growth, we sometimes forget that within them beats the most fragile and vulnerable piece of their existence, their heart which also symbolizes all of their emotions and tenderness.
Long after children have embraced much of the physical independence they will need in life, their hearts remain tender and vulnerable to the stress and hurts of the world. In fact, that is the way it is meant to be. To live fully, to experience joy, to know the love of another person and to be able to love another, we need tender hearts. Only with soft and tender hearts can we truly know all the joy and love we are meant to have in life.
The heart, physically and emotionally, needs a defense. Our rib cages and sternum protect the physical heart. We develop emotional defences along the way as well: “I don’t care.” “Whatever.”
“I don’t cry.” “You can’t hurt me.” “Stay away.” These don’t serve us as well as the physical ribcage. Emotional defenses tend to not be discriminating, blocking out love and joy as well as the hurt and pain. Hard hearts are not what we want for our children. In the long run, it does not serve them well.
There are times, such as at school or in activities out in the community, where they do need to protect their hearts and hold back their tears. But at home, they need to be able to find their soft hearts again. And that’s where we as parents and grandparents come in. We need to be our children’s emotional pillow, the place where they can be held and share all that they are feeling (even if we don’t understand why they are feeling that way). We need to be the place where it is safe to cry and to be frustrated. We need to be bigger than their tears and fears. We need to be their emotional ribcage, helping them keep soft hearts in the midst of the stress and hurts of their world.
What that means is lots of listening, lots of holding, lots of hugging, lots of making space for tears and fears to be shared – digging deep within ourselves to provide the emotional home for our children even when we are feeling tired and stressed ourselves. We are the ones to allow our children to safely feel what they are feeling. We help them express those feelings in a way that doesn’t do harm to themselves nor to others. And the more we receive and honour their feelings, the more quickly they will feel safe and secure with soft hearts intact. That is the gift!
So, then, what do we as adults do so that we can offer this gift to our children? Who holds our soft hearts? Who gently holds our emotions? That’s not a job for our children. They aren’t our emotional support. We need to turn to other adults we trust to gently support us: partners, friends and family. As people of faith, we have another great source of support – God. In one of my favourite scriptures in the book of Revelation 21:3-4, we are told: “The home of God is among mortals. God will dwell with them, and wipe every tear from their eyes.” We as parents lean into the arms of God so that our children can lean into our arms. We hold our children’s soft hearts in gentle hands, knowing that our soft hearts are held in God’s gentle hands. With soft hearts, we and our children can experience the fullness of joy, love and life we are meant to know. May this be so!
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