Who is God? What is heaven like? What happens when someone dies? How do I love someone who is mean to me? Children have all sorts of questions, including all sorts of faith questions. In the next weeks, I’m going to share some ideas about how you might answer these faith questions. But, first of all, I want to share some ideas about answering children’s questions in general.
Children usually want simpler answers than we give them. I remember going into a long, detailed explanation with my boys, only to have them say (when they were a bit older), “Mom, you have already answered my question. I don’t need anymore.” Younger kids don’t usually let us know that we’re giving them too much information, but they might get restless or walk away. We don’t need to come up with an encyclopedic answer. Often, the question has just popped into their head and they just want a quick answer, and then they are on their way.
Children may not be asking the question we think they are asking. For example, they might ask, “How come a baby is growing in auntie’s belly?” Immediately, we might go to thinking that we have to give the whole birds and bees talk and explain how babies come to be. In fact, an answer such as “Auntie wanted a baby to love” might be all the answer that is needed.
Children love answering their own questions. When a child asks a question, the first thing I do is ask them back. “Wow, what a great question! What do you think? How come Auntie’s having a baby?” Quite happily the child will often answer the question themselves. Just because they asked you doesn’t mean that they are looking for your response. It popped into their head. They are thinking about it and they might just have their own answer. And if an answer is required from you, then their answer to the question gives you more information about what they are asking and why they are asking. By hearing their response, you know what question you really are answering.
There is no bad question. But there might be bad times to ask certain questions, such as “Why is that man so fat?” right next to a larger man in the grocery store. Don’t stop the questions, but do help your child start learning about when to ask, “Now’s not a good time for questions.” And later, especially with children who are 5 and older, you might ask, “How do you think that man felt when you called him fat?” You don’t have to shame or punish the child. Just start them thinking.
It is okay not to have an answer right away. We need to BE our child’s answer – that means we are there to love, support, and care for them unconditionally, accepting them just as they are. But we don’t need to have all the answers. It’s okay to say, “What a great question! I haven’t thought of that before.” Then you might ask them what they think and/or promise to think about it or do some research (maybe together), and talk about it later. Just make sure that you come back to the question if you have promised to do so – that’s being the answer even if you don’t have the answer.
It is also okay to let children know that some questions just don’t have answers, at least not right now. You might respond with “That is a big question. I’ve wondered about that myself (or Other people ask that question too). And it’s a mystery – no one really knows why (Gramma has Multiple Sclerosis or the town was flooded). Some questions just don’t really have an answer. Maybe someday we’ll know more, but right now we don’t. But we can talk about it and share our ideas, our worries, our fears. The most important thing is that we are here together and we love each other. “
Children’s questions give us insight into what is going on in their minds and hearts. I love the questions children ask. They are honest, curious, and imaginative. Children’s questions get me thinking and pondering in profound ways. Next week – I’ll share some of my ideas and ponderings.
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