Time to play with frustration! What’s your reaction to that statement!
First of all, let me say – there are no such things as bad emotions. Emotions are neutral and they all need to be expressed. There are lots of statements out there about good emotions and bad emotions, and programs that encourage children to express the “good” emotions but supress the “bad” emotions – but there is no truth to that. Of course, we like emotions such as happiness better and have a bigger problem with frustration or its evolution into anger. But all emotions need to be expressed! They are all necessary and have a place in our lives.
Second of all, emotions can be messy – and the longer they are held inside and supressed, the more messy they will be when they are expressed. Of course, it is bad when the expression of frustration or anger causes damage to people or walls or household items. Yet it is not the frustration that is bad but how it has been expressed. The answer is finding ways to express it – sooner! Supressing or forbidding the emotion never works, especially with frustration. So time for frustration!
Simply put, frustration is natural. It is a reaction that comes when things don’t work out the way we wanted or expected or needed, and when we can’t change them to make them work out. Life is full of things that don’t work out and things that can’t be changed. So we are all going to experience (and need to express) frustration probably every day.
Anger is a deepening of the feeling of frustration. This happens when there is no room just to be frustrated or when the frustration is huge. In anger, we start blaming, either ourselves or others, and we tend to get more stuck in the emotion than if we had just had expressed it or had space to.
Frustration is natural. If we start from that point, then we can make room for frustration and the expression of frustration in our children’s lives. Toddlers are full of frustration, so it is a great age to start to come alongside their frustration, to name it, to make space for it, and to play with it.
Your child throws a toy in frustration. Now that isn’t the reaction we want them to have, and it is not the reaction you want them to be using for frustration when they are teens or adults. However, don’t worry – slow down - there is time for them to grow. Now is not the time to get mad at them for throwing the toy. It is the time to say, “You are frustrated!” – and put as much frustration in your voice as you can. “You are fr..uuu..sss..TRA..ted! It is frustrating when something doesn’t work.”
And your child might echo, “FWUSTWATED” And all you have to keep doing is saying “Frustrated” back and forth, acknowledging what your child feels, letting the emotion move. You might also try stomping around together saying “Frustrated!”
And guess what! Soon, you will likely find yourselves playing and laughing and giggling as you stomp around and say “frustrated” in loud, then soft, then funny voices. You can’t rush into the play though. You must acknowledge the very real and natural frustration your child is feeling first, and follow their lead into playing with it.
If you come alongside your child’s frustration, the frustration will quite likely be over far sooner than if you had gotten mad at your child for throwing the toy. And soon your child will be saying, “I’m frustrated” when they recognize the emotion coming, and before long not throwing that toy or hitting their sister. But they need to have a way of allowing the emotion to move, before you shut the door on the way you don’t want it to move.
Remember also that pre-schoolers (and older kids/adults who are hungry, tired and/or overwhelmed) can’t hold more than one thought at a time. So when they are frustrated, they are not thinking – oh! I shouldn’t throw this toy or I shouldn’t hit my sister. The frustration is the only thing working in their brain. As we human beings mature, our prefrontal cortexes develop in our brains, and we can start to mix feelings – I’m frustrated but I know I shouldn’t throw this toy. Young children can’t do this, no matter how much we might tell them or get mad at them. So when frustration comes upon them, they are not going to be able to monitor themselves or limit themselves.
That’s why we need to come alongside their frustration. As adults, we need to compensate until the brain develops to the point where a child can experience mixed feelings about their frustration.
But we don’t have to wait until they are frustrated to play with frustration. In playtimes, we can pretend to be frustrated together and imagine what we might do. When we as adults see a situation that might at some time be frustrating for our child, we can play with it ahead of time.
For example, think of bed time when the child doesn’t want to go to bed because something fun is happening. In play time, you can act out this situation with your child. You can be the child & the child can be the parent, and you can pretend to be frustrated at having to go to bed. But don’t get to solutions too quickly. Play with the frustration. Stomp your feet. Pout with your lip. Express the frustration fully (but in fun). Then see what the child comes up with – they might join you in the fun of expressing the frustration or they might have a solution to move the situation toward bed. Fun is the key. Safely playing with the emotion when there are no consequences is important.
We can also play with frustration by punching pillows, slamming play-dough on the table, ripping paper & kicking soccer balls at a net or fence. Frustration doesn’t have to just be expressed at the situation that causes the frustration. It can be played with at any time. If the moment seems right, and if you know your child has a great deal of frustration bubbling up inside (from something happening at school or with a friend, for example), take them into playing with the frustration.
Take the playdough and start a quiet creating session. Then, if you know there is frustration waiting, if you’ve been seeing the frustration bubble up lots in your child, start ripping and pounding the play-dough and saying things like “Sometimes I just feel so frustrated. I’m going to pound the frustration into this play-dough. I’m going to rip the play-dough. I can smoosh it and twist it.” If some of your child’s frustration comes out in playing this way, any eruptions later on will likely be less messy.
One important thing: If you are frustrated at your child, don’t express that frustration at your child. You are the adult. You need to see the bigger picture and understand why they are frustrated. If you are frustrated, find your own place to express it but don’t direct it at your child. There is too much chance of doing damage to the relationship. Figure out your favourite way of expressing your frustration – who knows, that play-dough might work for you as well.
All people feel frustration. Jesus felt frustration. Once he turned over the tables in the temple. Once he used the words of Psalm 22 to express the depth of frustration he felt. In fact, the Psalms are a whole compendium of emotions. Feel something – you can find a psalm which will give you the words to express it. Here is Psalm 22 – and frustration:
My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from helping me, from the words of my groaning?
O my God, I cry by day and you do not answer; and by night, but I find no rest!
Frustration! Befriend it in your children. Express it and play with it with your children. It’s natural!
Home
(403) 652-3168