Time to play with alarm! Hard to imagine, yet we do it all the time.
Hide & seek. Peek-a-boo. There are all sorts of games where we play with what alarms, with our fears. “Daddy, be the monster and chase me!” “Mommy, pretend you’re a ghost!” All of these are ways that we and our children play with our fears and build some resilience and skills for facing them.
My husband had a wonderful rhyme he used with our boys when they were little (think 2-3 years). They would sit on his knee. He would tightly hold their hands and bounce them up and down on his knees as he said, “The mud was thick and the water was thin. I dug a big hole and I plopped him in.” Which of course ended up with the knees parting and the boy plopping down. The playing with alarm came as the rhyme got slower or faster or there was more of a delay before the plop came. The boys would giggle in delight and nervousness as they waited to be plopped down (carefully) to the ground.
The key thing in playing with alarm is that it must not be really alarming for the child. If you are playing hide & seek, you must always find the child. If you are playing peek-a-boo, it must always end in laughter and a big smile. If you are plopping or dropping your child, it must always end with a safe landing. Play must be safe. There must be no harmful consequences to the game. The child must come out of it giggling and laughing. The parent/adult needs to be the one that is watching and judging to make sure that the alarm is contained and is kept in play mode. If the child decides that they want to stop, the adult must immediately stop. If the game is among children, then an adult must intervene as soon as they sense that the game is becoming too alarming for even one of the children. We can’t push children to face alarming situations, but we can play with them in it.
Telling ghost stories is another way of playing with alarm. I think that Hallowe’en serves the purpose of playing with alarm – dressing up in scary costumes, playing at being scared, and having fun with it. Walking a short distance in the dark, holding tightly to a flashlight, is best when turned into a game of playing with, Did you hear that sound? Look at that! Oh, I’m sooooooooo scared” -- but it must only be done if the child can enter into it as play, and giggle and laugh about it.
Playing with alarm and with our fears helps us face them for real. It gives us space to experiment with how we might react and what we might do. Children love fighting back with monsters or building traps for monsters. While this isn’t what they will really do, it builds their sense of power and ability to be creative in the face of what is challenging and alarming.
All people feel alarm and fear, though some bury it deep or hide it well. What we really want is for our children to be able to express that they are afraid and to tell us what causes fear for them. They will do that when they know that we are there for them, that we love them and will do everything in our power to protect them. They don’t need to know how helpless we may feel in the face of the big world. They do need to hear us say, “I am here for you. I will always love you. I will always do everything I can to protect you.” They need us to acknowledge their fears, rather than telling them not to be afraid. Then, when the moment is right, we can play with the alarm & fear.
You can play with fear and alarm with your children, and you can pray together in fear and alarm. A great way to pray when you’re scared, something you can easily teach your children to do, is the breath prayer which comes from the earliest times of the Christian tradition.
Breath prayer is simply breathing in and out, slowly & intentionally. Usually words are associated with the in and the out breath. So you might teach your child. “God is with me (on the in breath); I am not alone (on the out breath). Or Jesus’ words from Mark 4:39 when the winds and waves are threatening the boat in which he is sleeping: “Peace! (on the in breath); Be still (on the out breath).”
Taking some breaths and adding these words can help a child (& you) through an alarming situation, not denying the alarm, but finding a way through it.
We can also just talk to God about our fears. We can tell God everything. I find that if I’m in an alarming situation, just starting to say, in my head or out loud, “Okay, God, I’m afraid. I don’t like this. I can’t handle this right now. I am so afraid…” and so on. Saying that, naming that to God makes a difference. Suddenly I realize that I am not alone and that, with God’s help, I can handle it, even just for a little bit until I can get to someone who can help me too or give me a big hug. Let your children know that they can tell God about their fears, and then come to you for a big hug.
Please remember: praying one’s fear and alarm isn’t about pretending it isn’t there. Always acknowledge your own fears. Always acknowledge your children’s fears and alarm. Prayer is one tool, along with play, to find one’s way through the fear and alarm.
The Psalms are a whole compendium of emotions, a great resource for expressing our feelings.
Psalm 23 declares in the face of much fear:
Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I feel no evil for you are with me.
Psalm 34:4 says:
I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.
Psalm 63 is written by someone who has known fear and found rest from the fear in God, just as a little chick finds safety and rest under the mother hen’s wing:
I think of you on my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
for you have been my help and in the shadow of your wings I sing for joy.
Alarm – we play it. We pray it. So that it does not overwhelm us or our children.
Home
(403) 652-3168