It was the morning for my son to write his Grade 12 diploma exam for Social Studies. The day before the news had been filled with the presentation of “alternative facts” and “post facts.” I looked at my son as I dropped off at school and said, “I think for your exam you might want to stick to the facts and not give “alternative fact” answers.” He smiled, nodded, and said, “I probably will, Mom,” as he got out of the vehicle and headed into the school.
I can’t imagine any of us as parents telling our kids that it okay with us if they tell us “alternate facts?” I don’t think we’d be okay with our teens proclaiming that they were “post-fact” in their thinking. That is not how we live as faithful followers of the Way of Jesus. So how do we teach our children about truth and lies, fact and fiction, honesty and manipulation, in a climate of “post-fact” and “alternative truth”? To begin to answer that question, I need to clarify a few ideas and terms:
- There are facts and there is interpretation of facts.
- Interpretation of facts always shows some bias based on the viewpoint of the presenter.
- Children under the age of 5 are not capable of lying. (And I hear you saying – but I’ve heard them tell lies. I’ll come back to this soon.)
1.There are facts and there is interpretation of facts.
Gravity is a fact. There is something that holds me down on the earth that does not hold me down in space. We call it “gravity” in English. There are other facts, such as the sun in the sky, the stars at night, the number of bodies left after a battle and the drug fentanyl is causing deaths, and more.
There are facts, and then there is interpretation of facts. Take the number of bodies left after a battle. If we physically counted, we could know that 1,000 people were killed, but we might interpret that information differently. We might say that those people deserved to die because they were the enemy, or that they were stupid to be in that place at that time, or that they were innocent bystanders to the battle, or that they were resistance fighters and eligible to be killed, or that they were young children recruited, forced to fight and not guilty. One fact; many interpretations.
2.Interpretation of facts always shows a bias based on the viewpoint of the presenter.
We all have bias. We all have our own viewpoint. That bias is based on our past experiences, where we grew up, how we were treated in our families or communities, our teachers and mentors, and more.
We all interpret the facts. Whether we are reading the Bible or listening to the weather forecast, we interpret the information we receive. My husband and I might be listening to the weather forecast together and hear about a winter snow storm coming. I might welcome that storm, thinking of cuddling at home with my tea and book under a quilt and not being able to go anywhere. My husband might think of the extra work to come and the driveway that will need to be shovelled. Municipal employees will be making plans for snowplowing and hoping that the electricity doesn’t go out. Someone who was once stuck at the side of the road in their car during a storm might be feeling fear. We all interpret the facts based on our own experiences and viewpoints.
We need to all know that we have a bias, a particular viewpoint, in approaching the facts. If we have a sense of what our bias is, then we can be open to other people’s understandings of the same facts.
But then there are lies…..
Lies are when something false is stated, knowingly, deliberately, and with the intent of manipulating the situation. One thousand bodies were counted on the battle field, but someone knowingly, purposefully, states that it was really only 100 bodies and that other people are exaggerating when they say there were more, or that there were indeed 1 million bodies because they saw it with their own eyes. Lies manipulate and change the facts for the purposes of those telling the lies.
3.Children under the age of 5 are not capable of lying.
Here’s why I say this. Children under the age of 5 can only hold one thought in their brains at a time (that’s a fact.) To lie, to make a false statement, a person has to be able to hold both the truth and the lie in their heads at the same time, and then make the deliberate, knowing choice to speak the lie. Kids under 5 can’t do that, and we can help our children over 5 not do it.
Here’s a story that might help:
I walked out into my backyard to look at my flowerbeds. My pre-school daughter was out playing. I noticed that all the flowers had been picked from one of the flower beds, leaving the plants a bit ragged and, in some cases, almost destroyed. I asked my daughter, “Hey, did you pick some flowers from our garden?” “No, Mommy. I’m playing bride this morning.” And she proceeded to walk down the pretend aisle with the bouquet of flowers visible in her hand. I waited awhile, sipping my tea and enjoying the sunshine and my daughter’s play. Then she wandered over to me and crawled into my lap, bouquet still in hand. This time I said, “What beautiful flowers you have.” And this time my daughter responded, “Yes, I picked them from your flower garden. They are so beautiful.”
So was she lying the first time? No! In that moment, she was a bride, totally into that story and the picking of the flowers was not in her brain. The second time she could respond, Yes, and then mom could take her over to look at the plants, talk about the need to ask mom before picking (which she might or might not remember to do) and show how to use a scissors to cut the flowers.
Isn’t this encouraging your child to lie? No, not if you don’t name it as lying. Not if you keep the moment soft and your child is able to learn the more important things, such as to ask to pick flowers and how to cut them so it doesn’t wreck the plant, rather than being in fear because you are angry.
Somewhere between ages 5 to 7 children develop the ability to hold two thoughts in their mind at once, and then, yes, they could choose to lie. You know they’ve started to hold two things in their minds when they can say, “Daddy, I really want that cookie, but I know that I shouldn’t have it before supper, but I really want it.” When you hear a statement like that, celebrate! Now you have something to work with; they have a mix of feelings.
Now how do you work with lies?
1.Anger never works. It makes your child more fearful of you, and more likely to lie the next time so that they don’t get in trouble (because they really hope you won’t find out the truth.)
2.Think about why your child might be lying. Are they afraid? Are they worried? Do they think they might upset you or get your angry? Did someone else tell them not to tell you? While it might not be our logic, younger children (and even teens) who lie, have a logical reason to do so. If you can find the reason and logic, you can work around it so that your child doesn’t feel the need to lie.
3. Work on your relationship with the child. A child, even a teen, should naturally want to tell you their secrets. They should naturally want to be known by you and to feel safe telling you everything. If they aren’t, they might be feeling afraid or overwhelmed. They might be worried about your reaction. They might have been told by someone else not to tell you. They might be trying to protect you in some way. Spend time with your child, doing things they enjoy, and grow your relationship so that they just can’t help but tell you their secrets and their truth.
4. Go for the mixed feelings they will have about the lie – but only talk about it when your relationship is good, when things are soft and safe between the two of you, and DON’T say, “You told me a lie.” Lie is a heavy and harsh word and will put up an immediate wall. You want your child to learn about the mixed feelings we have and how to make good decisions. That is more important that proving that you know they lied. So say something like this, “I’ve noticed that you enjoy driving, don’t you?” And they can tell you all about how much they enjoy it. “Sometimes driving is a challenge, isn’t it? There are a lot of decisions to be made at once and so many other drivers on the road.” And then, if the relationship is good and soft, the truth can come pouring out. “Oh Dad, I’m so sorry about the dent in the car. I really love driving, and I don’t want you to take away the keys. But I didn’t see the other person opening their car door……. And I’ll pay to get it fixed. Just don’t be mad.” There are the mixed feelings. And don’t get mad. Share some situations you’ve been in. Work together to figure out a solution or let your teen know that it isn’t really a big deal. And next time, they will be more likely to tell you the truth.
Lying develops as a form of protection, of defensiveness, and of trying to manipulate the situation so that the outcome will be favourable. Pre-schoolers aren’t capable of lying, though they may indeed say things that are not fact. Older kids and teens are capable of lying – this means that their brains are maturing – but the solution is not anger and accusations, rather it is establishing a relationship where they feel safe and secure in telling you everything about their lives. We need to model for our children a world where fact, not “alterative fact,” is valued, and where admitting one’s bias or acknowledging that you have a particular viewpoint is accepted practice to further then conversation and connection between people.
That’s how I’ve learned to see it! And it has served me well.
And if you’d like to learn more about this and other things to do with preschoolers (and anyone who acts like one) have a look at this book: “Rest, Play, Grow” Making Sense of Preschoolers (Or Anyone Who Acts Like One)” by Deborah Macnamara (Aona Books, 2016)
January 26, 2017 ©Susan Lukey 2017