I am not so happy today – and that’s okay. We all have our days – frustrated days, sad days, dull days, lonely days, and happy days. But they are not all happy days. Yet, that is the message we get in advertising and over social media. It can appear that everyone is having HAPPY days – great parties, wonderful dinners, fabulous vacations, exiting adventures – everyone except us!
The truth, however, is a very different story. Loneliness, anxiety, and depression are on the rise in our society. Behind the masks and smiles and fancy parties lies the reality that people are lonely and sad, longing for someone to really understand how they feel.
No one can be happy all the time. Yet, when someone asks us, “How are you?” what is our go to answer: I’m fine. I’m great. I’m awesome. How often does that answer cover up for how we are really feeling? Now there are some people I’m not going to tell that I’m feeling sad or tired or anything else. I don’t know them well enough or trust how they will respond. Some people don’t really want to know how I’m feeling and that’s okay. But who are those people to whom I need to fess up – and say, “I’m tired today.” or “I’m having a sad day.” or “It’s a frustrating day!” Because those are normal human responses as well. We have a range of emotions. Perfect happiness every day is not possible. We need to acknowledge all of our emotions, and we need people who will honour and allow us all of our emotions.
I say that with two cautions. First, having our emotions doesn’t give us the right to hurt others or ourselves because of how we are feeling. We can’t hit others, break things, hurt ourselves, attack others with words, or in any way lash out because of our feelings. But that is what happens if we try to be happy all the time and bottle up how we are feeling. There are ways to express and acknowledge our emotions that don’t cause hurt to ourselves or others.
The second thing is that, for those of us who have children, we must not make our children feel that they are responsible for our emotions or for helping us feel better. I’m always careful in saying how I am feeling to my children, especially before they turned 18. Think about it. If you tell your pre-schooler that you are having a bad day and feeling really sad, that is terrifying for them. Here is the person upon whom they rely for care, food, and shelter, and now they are hearing that that person is not okay. It immediately sends the child into alarm and into feeling that they better do something to help their adult. That is not what we want to do to our children. If I ever say to my child, “I’m tired or I’m feeling sad,” I immediately add a statement about how I am going to take care of it so that I can feel better, and I never, never say anything to give them the impression that it is their fault (even if in someway they have a part in it – after all, I chose to be their parent, and with that comes the responsibility of caring for them, through thick and thin. It is not their responsibility to make things easier for me.)
Church is one place we can bring emotions and be just who we are that day – sad or happy, frustrated or peaceful. Tears are okay in church. Smiles as well. Deep breaths in the midst of frustration or gentle touches of love. In church, we can say to someone, “Today is not a good day, Today I am stressed. Today I am lonely. Today I am in grief.” We can be ourselves and know that others will embrace us as we are. Jesus had his times of joy and times of frustration. Jesus asked those who follow him to cry together and to celebrate together. That’s what we do as a congregation, not always perfectly, but that is our intention – to create the space where we each can just be who we are and how we feel, and be loved and cared for unconditionally no matter how we feel!
So, today, I’m not feeling happy. But even as I write this and express it, you know what? I feel a bit lighter, a bit gentler, and a find a smile coming to my face. I’m not perfectly happy – but who needs to be perfectly happy. What we need is a community of real people with whom we can acknowledge our emotions face to face. What our children need is to know that happy and sad, frustrated and delighted, and every other emotion are all normal for human beings, and that they are loved unconditionally in the midst of all their emotions.
Next time you ask someone, “How are you today?” look beyond the “I’m fine” and see what is really behind the words. And remember that behind the façade of happy, perfect pictures on social media, there are not so perfect lives, just like yours and mine.
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